2005-01-14 - 8:43 p.m.

last night i exhibited some very bad behavior. and i feel pounded today.

i'm supposed to be at this fantastic opening, but i got stuck in traffic, came back home. and now i hear how great it was and about all of the after parties. i want to chase the dragon, but i think the dragon has burnt me down.

i'm chared.

blackened.

last "night" ended at eight a.m.

yes

I'M so mad that i've blown the day, and ruined tonight, a perfectly good night to be in the mix. much more substantial than last night.

i went to that cocktail party which was catered and very liquad. so i drank a bit. then held court at a bar with two groups of friends, oogling guys, M and his friends, the short girl and the turk. haha. interesting cuz when i met M's bff, he said, oo i've heard a lot about you. which pleased me that i was talked about. and i can't figure what was said but M was acting a bit possessive with his arm arching around me. the turk practically sitting on me and the shorty nearby buying us drinks all night. then i accidentally got talking into going to a strip club. it's fuzzy at that point. i remember butts, g strings.
then i decide to take a bit of coke in the bathroom.

yes.

then i'm kissing shorty.

then shorty, two friends and i are up all night. i pushed too hard and hung for a few around the toilet, trying to gunk it all out.

*theN* i had to wake and do a massage at 10, which i was late for, drunk, and coming off coke. luckily it was for my very good friends dula. my friend being a wild millionair boy's partner. she's bi, insane, and fucking wild. so she understood and was having a laugh at me.

this town is just not normal.

friend, "so how'd it go with shorty?"

"well, she's currently in my bed as we speak."

nothing else happened. she curled up into me, which reminded me of why i'm not into women. i don't like taking it on. i don't like someone bonding and curling up in me like that. i don't like feeling like they will try so hard and want too much. women seem a bit more vunerable. touchable. receptive.

truly, i'm into the turk. lifelong. and she has been flirting like mad with me. but i haven't pulled the trigger. i just love the play and i like being with her. i trust her and know she won't cave on into me.

oooo i am so worked over. i'm embarrassed. i know i'm just a harmless, agreeable, silly, loving drunk, but i don't like loosing my grace. that was the part i always liked.

my mom and partner are in town. she'd loose her shyte if she knew.

work is going scary good. too much opportunity with the line. i'm quite afraid. i'm afraid i can't keep up or ever afford some help or even dream of renting an office. i've got this new order, then one spot called and said they are all sold out of my pieces already and want to talk about my new stuff. fuck man. alli fuckwa. i'm scared. and i feel frayed at the edges. my place isn't clean, my car, well, my car is like a fucking mobile recycling unit. i refuse to get rid of the piling trash because i want it recycled. so it just builds up.

*and* i'm in a "fight" with lizard. and if i wasn't so hung over i'd pay attention to that. she was being super sensitive and i feel like i can do no right when she's in that mood and if i say something just not gentle enough or enough to the left then i'm in trouble. but i also did forget to ask how her court date went. (she might loose her liscense from her quality lunacy style driving). so i imagine she's pissed about my forgetfullness. but i feel like its a marriage. i know shes in a hard time, so i have to bend around more. but fuck i'm also slammed with work and am not gentle and easy during work hours. i can't stop everything and say the exact perfect combination to "make her feel" better. i feel like she puts it all on me to fix her, ease her, comfort her. and sometimes i resist because i've got my own life and i don't like the pressure of having to do it all right. she's so sickly sensitive. and i've been so supportive, like none other. what more can i do man?? and i feel bad cuz i just go off the richtar and get wild and forget about it all for a few. she doesn't have that luxury.

don j. is in nyc. he's on the jock again. he's been really assisting promoting my business. i think he just really wants to wedge me in. and i do love the comfort of it. particularly now. i'm jealous cuz his friend is doing this sick project and they are all killing it over there without me. i can't afford it.

i'm not going out tonight. i'm watching a movie and falling off into a forgetful abyss, to wake tomorrow, invariably in a bit of darkness i'll have to fend off. and i'll have to motivate to put some of the pieces back together, clean up. bills. normal human things.

grace, i think as of late, we are both in the running for the recklessly living in abandon award.