2005-01-09 - 3:52 a.m.

i've got "biggy smalls" on my lap (super fat girl cat) and my drunken, been throwing up all night friend in my bed.
yar.

drinking too much just isn't nice.

the only time i've been near that point was the first night. i had the spins. wild. that's what happens when you poisen yourself. you start to spin.

i had a very draining day today. but i also found the dopest work desk. entirely rustic modern. which is decidedly my new decor. old wood. $20!!! 35 to deliver. fucking just my ghetto budget. classic. i can't wait to set up shop. i knoow its a lot to fit in my wee bittle apartment, but it's fantastic and it's all that i need.

i feel so ready. in such a brand new way.

my newly engaged friend and our other friend is having a bday in big sur, and yes i'd love to go, but i also feel like time spent away, needs to be spent locked in a room souly to create. not to mingle and jingle. although i know being around real women from sf would do me a world of grounding good. i feel like i want to run away to an place where i know no one and spend the day creating, with some break then more creating. and possibly some wild revendouz thrown in as per expected. i don't want to let you down after all.

so here's what i wrote earlier today...

free aderol, private jet to costa rica, consistnet sweet sex, contacts... all trunked. i broke up with don j. we let it go. so another potentially lonely valentines day. am i out of my mind to toss off all this just for some ambiguous larger lesson? for something i donj't even have total evidence that i'll experience?

i came back from holiday and everything within me resisted, rebeled, and repelled him, the intimacy and falling blindly back in. when i feel a truth in me, it burns, singes until exposed. i knew from day one it wasn't right for me, but i stuffed that down, once again, and dove into the pit of temptation and enjoyment. we wanted different things and i stayed under the blanketing conviction that i could temporarily enjoy it while i stayed open to my life, lessons, meeting someone more appropriate. we both had our selfish reasons to remain.

it was delicious feeling bookended intimacy. a wealth of intimacy indulged exlusively because i knew it was contained. i started stiring up trouble from that burning bonfire of truth inside that it wasn't right and yet was too consummed, bonded to pull away and be honest. the forced time away helped me to breath free and only see that truth. we had an amazing talk about it. and it isn't about me running for some linear plan for marriage, its a deep craving and growing readiness for a larger lesson. meeting something with out bookends. meeting someone who is ready and excited to share possibly a life with someone. someone who challenges me and has depth and abilty to teach me. since the x, five years ago, when i started this journal, i have stayed safe by picking partners without any threats. without having that engulfing, milky way threat of endless intimacy.

so yes N, once again, i lost respect because i feel "too much," older, stronger, more experienced, but not because i am scared off by his love and the possiblity, but because of knowing to the ultimate impossibility.

so why'd i get in, in the first place?

becuz i'm human, craving touch, responding to kindness, flattered by adoration. and i wasn't quite ready to challenge this. i don't know and won't committ to you that i'll never fall back into the bookended opportunity, the under 25 set, the limited. sometimes the pull is strong and primal, constantly seeking to convert someone, the great fantasy of getting my dad to change and love me enough.

enough.

everything i've had for my dad as a girl has been some sterling fantasy levitating, untouchably just above me.

as my dad finally starts to land in my life and become real, fallible, vunerably human and accessible, so does the room inside i have to invite someone real and lasting in.

i don't think it could of come a day earlier and i don't know if it'll come tomorrow, a month, five years or if i'll be graced with it at all, but i'm burningly closer to this lesson.

i can't gaurentee that there won't be repetition from the mere residue of my patterns and i wont' need to again be with the wrong, "safe" guy. i don't know that i won't stir up just a bit more caos under the veil of "adventure," but i do know i am so dangerously close to the readiness for something so brand new.

_______________________________________

tonight we went to an art opening that was packed. sweaty, suffocating. small walled. skaters, punks. young white kids with bland expressions worn on their lapels and suffocating emotions tempered by looks of apathy and utter bordem. do they not notice the millions out there dying by our bullets? how are we so far from caring and by what vehicle did we arrive to this desolatingly removed place?

passing through the room full of twentyfivers, i felt like i was a pyro nearing a fire. but, for the first time, i felt different. removed. content. the punk band carved out space in the crowd so the singer could bounce and scream and build bubonic energy, heads noding, eyes narrowing, sweat dripping. we passed through and i fell out of the door like a baby through the tight canal. into the rain. the purity. the falling water droplets catching the light of the city, plummetting to a surging river in the gutter.

rain that won't stop reminding us how angry she is.

ignore it if you can. i understand that ignorance is easier. that is why we read "people" magazine. it is another method of mass sedation. eat if you can. keep sleeping if it serves you.

she's coming down annunciatingly right now. violence. a throbbing sob errupting from the sky, washing all of the slim from our asphalt, hurtling it into the pure, viginous ocean. killing what is left of the life surviving there. hummvees hemoraging oil and toxic aftermath, bought because isn't that commercial with the fancy world cool? its just so cool.

i really don't want to sleep next to my barfy friend ya know. and to boot i'm not into sharing space with girls who are friends, with the grave exception of the turk. our anniversary is valentines day and we are exchanging gifts as a psuedo laugh about our "relationship". i love flirting with her. i love the moments we share among very straight women, when we are flirting souly between us and beneath them. its a private joke.

i've been thinking about women a lot. watching them. the curves, the movements. the bare backs, the long hair. i never know if i'm just an asthetic and enjoy taking it all in, or if i'd really act on it, as i so rarely do. maybe i just enjoy the thoughts that feel like rebellion, like another inside secret.

but i have been craving that experience. that behind the curtain kiss.

apparently i went to an opening a bit ago and this short blond was tripped out on me. maybe she will come to this party tomorrow night. i know she dated this hot girl, so she must have something chacha to her that i might want to delve into. i'm not into someone who will take it seriously. that's what i love about the turk. we both just enjoy the suspense. the pushed edge. the shared privacy. i do wish she'd let me in more, but i also think she senses that i couldn't handle it.

there were some cute guys "of age" (30+) at this party. but i just couldn't bother. i kept thinking they were all pretty boys who had nothing to say, no choice politics, no books read in the last ten years. nothing they would die for, and there for nothing they ever really live for. i'm not interested in that anymore. i want more.

i feel like going out into the rain. maybe i'll put on my slickers and bathing suit. okay, maybe i won't. if i was in a tropical place with warmpth i would. now i'm just babbling cuz i don't want to crawl into bed with drunk-head. god help me if she thinks i'm a guy and trys to snuggle, i'll commence panic and super squirm. these are the times i wish i had a proper couch and a tv. and since i lost my phone i don't have any booty call numbers as escape routes. i have a clean slate. i'm alone with myself by some stoke of luck.

:*) much love. can't wait to hear from you.