2005-01-07 - 9:44 a.m.

well then, i'm freeking out a bit.

no syphilis, gonorrhea, or chlamydia but i have to go in to pick up my HIV results.

and here's what concerns me, they have to have a counselor there in case. and she put me on pause to see if i could come in today. i'm thinking she knows that they are positive and is making sure there is a counselor on staff.

my mind races into the results, wondering what i'd do, who i'd call, if anyone, if it was positive. which is odd, as what is to be, already is in action. the piece of paper merely announces it to me. i just had this horrific intuition a year ago when i slept with that young boy model that he was so filandering and that if i were to catch anything, that would be the moment. i've held that suspicion this entire time.

this is so uncomfortable. and next week i go in to find out what the fuck is wrong with my thyroid. this just feels like a mess.

i was going to do a few hours of concentrated work this morning on my project i'm perpetually putting off, but i can't do anything until i have these results. i'm barely breathing.

if it's bad, i'm either driving away, far away.