2004-11-26 - 11:03 p.m.

hey.
i'm deadlining again.

in for another long one. people are saying things like, have a great vacation, what'll you do this weekend. and i look puzzled back and say
work.

even through turkey day i worked while the family did family things. like eat. and then eat. and top it off with some eating.

it's not a huge deal. i've learned now that these deadlines are not to declare me dead. they are just another hoop to jump through and i'm not even amping on this. but i'm enjoying the work. and i'm a bit over it and wondering if i'll really make fedex by 3.30 tomorrow. and how i'll feel after. if i'll feel like i did everything, forgot something major. if i'll be panicking and beggin the delivery boy to wait for my last copy.

i need to work on my lateness issue.

u guys. once again, i feel fully crushed. and just behind this crushing sensation in my heart, i have a tad bit of ironic laughter. clarity. because i've been here so often and i saw it coming, and now i'm blinded by the light of the ever too obvious. i'm refering to smarty, his unavailiblity, his talking me into trying and getting to know him, then him *not* calling for days, stacked upon days, and add a holiday in to boot. it's so apperent. it almost feels like a joke to have to "break it off" again, as it's never really felt on. i think i'll say that. i hate grey area, so i know i will want to say something. and i won't want a reaction, because that is what i'd want deep down inside to *stay hooked* like a rusty steel hook nabbing at the tender pink skin deep beneath the surface. i don't want to feel the tug. i just want it over. the entire experience of attracting, only liking the unattainable.

now we have this new guy who is showing up. completely. and has no reservations. and wants to have a geek night with me where we both bring a geek activity to the table and not tell the other what it'll be. i'm smiling just now thinking about it. he'll be back on monday. *he's* called. *he* couldn't wait to see me several times before he left for the "holidays". he is open. and trying to imagine him in my space is more challenging. and possibly nautiating and fucking awsome. not that it has to be him. but i'm ready for that kind of him. or her.

hahaha.

okay. i've masterbated. four times.
ate chocolate brown cow yogurt and have written.
stalling enough. onto my "vacation" working a few more hours. or so.

much love.