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2004-11-21 - 3:18 a.m. last night was one of the most interesting clusterfucks of a night i do believe i've ever had in my entire life. the world converged in on me. lizard put in overtime wingmanning me and doing serious damage control. the head count: it came to a head and became a crazy disaster. basically m and smarty came jsut to hang with me, i thought they'd bring people and we'd all lightly mingle. they basically had a showdown to see who would hang the longest until finally i had to cut smarty loose and lie about going to have girls night.
there was much tension negotiating m and smarty sizing eachother (which is amusing considering i'm with neither, and neither could really show up seemingly, more on that later). and as if that wasn't enough, somehow the lovers roomate ends up talking to smarty and says oh i'm here cuz my roomate is sleeping w/ or is the boyfriend of this designer (case in muther fucking point...me). then i also see said lunatic roomate talking his mouth off to m. i had to do slight damage control to smarty in a tight hallway just as m walks up. it was a true disaster. somewhere in there another x, whom i'm ccool with, shows up. the french one remember? so smarty now knows about my secret lover and my sorted behavior. he seemed really shut up and wierd about it. it was unattractive. fast forward... he discloses to me that the reason he couldn't pull the trigger with me was cuz he was still into someone and broken hearted over her unrequited love. and guess the fuck what, it's that goregous girl from his dinner party. m and i end up talking on the phone till 1.30am. and we did a great shifting into true friendship, no bull. before it was still too undefined. now that i see his cards and know everything it's easy for me to get. if something is nebulous i just can't get it and i think i want to force things. but once it's b/w i can totally let go. then i call smarty late night to do further damage control. we talked for hours and hours. we layed our cards out and came to the fact that i need to give him a chance and that he's up for monogomy and yet is afraid of the emotional demands (drama, jealousy) of relationships and that he is far off from marriage in his life. i said the same i've always said to him, that even tho i'm an asshole player and have my own walls and only date someone who has a bookend and ultimately won't challenge me, that i want to finally be with someone where it *could* go somewhere. he wouldn't let it go, he wouldn't let me toss it off. he convinced me to get to know him and try and not run away. i seriously have major doubts and i guess you could say fears. but our connection is mad and worth checking out. i just want to be fully cognizant and attentive to any and all signals from him. meaning if he can't show up and it'll be a tortured thing, i've got to drop it with pure effeciency and committment. i do not want to grow with someone who has limitations. i don't want to waste away my time. i do not want to have illusions and fantasies. and maybe this still is one. maybe i should drop him. he knows now that i am indeed dating et al and i'm sure he is. we decided to check things out and let it flow naturally and he said just not to push it in either direction. and i said you mean like committ, and he said no like force an ending. becuz i guess that's what i did. which i had a right to do becuz of the info he told me about not wanting a relationship for a very long time. now he was singing a much different tune saying he grows readiness/compassion back and repairs quickly. hmmmm. i think maybe he felt reassured by the fact that it's chemically impossible for me *to* rush it, as i'm not the one who is capable of committment in the first. it was a great talk. i felt nautious and panicked after at the very prospect. i'm scared to try. i'm scared to feel that vunerable. and now what? when does he call and what happens next. how do we see eachother and what happens if he isn't prompt. what if he does that bullshit back and forth dance??? the truth is i really want to spend time with him. and i want it to go really slow and draw it out. but i want him to continue to be on it. i didn't bring up how he forgot about our plans. that day...what a day...i went to lunch with the guy i met a m's dinner party, dinner with miami, then teh clusterfuck of the century party. lizard proved her weight in GOLD. she handled it. sorted. the guy i met a m's, let's call him (we're running out of make up names aren't we. it's a sad day). let's call him "kind guy." he has flattered me with the way he's pursuited it. i like the way he's unequivical about it. he's also 25. SHOCK. he works in the industry and isn't cheesey about it. he's pretty grounded. possibly too anal for me and i don't care for his sister already. probably not a direct hit. we went for a late night dessert tonight as he demanded to see me before he leaves for this holiday. we had nice, fluid conversation. then he went in for the kiss and that was nice too. nothing mind blowing, solid though all the way around. he's a bit short for me. maybe too conservative. but very normal, probably won't give me any problems. i met his bff at the initial dinner party and commented to him, he's a funny guy. later on he ssaid he goes every fri to the taping of his show. and clueless me goes, oh what show and there was a moment of your adorable for being so utterly out of it. he is on one of the most main, pop culture funny shows around. it's a cool show. i couldn't believe i didn't register for a second. tonight my friend and i met this artist and we decided to have our holiday twister party at this gallery in december. should be quite a time. by the way, my throat has hurt for a solid month now. i think i may be dying of throat cancer. what do i do?? i'm not sick, but it feels like a lingering strep. tomorrow i have another sample sale i'm going to try and make some cold hard greenbacks. i hope it goes well. there's supposed to be a lot of people coming, it's a party at a hair salon and those ladies shop man. and i need some liquidity. then i probably have one to two clients and then i have to work on the line sheets for that buyer, i decided not to send till after turkey day instead of breaking my back to do it in the next day and a half, with the distinct possiblity that she wouldn't even look at it till after anyway. :*) am i borring you? smarty is calling me right now. 3.55 a.m. |
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