2004-11-13 - 1:12 p.m.

i just skimmed a few older entries and i'm agast at my stories full of self seeking. seeking that repetitive high, usually involving a guy. sometimes a girl. one time both.

can't find that entry can you? i have to repost it, i accidentally stored it in some cyber storage.

i feel like that is all i've been about. one very long stream of experience to keep my feet just above ground.

and it's so sickening as i hang out with this new one. he's interesting. unique, but absolutely nothing is different and know that i know what i'm up to, acting out on it feels so god damn empty. i feel like a sucker. an addict. when will i be courageous enough to continually, consistently let go of this habit for more than three fucking days?

it's honestly disheartening. it's fragmenting.

and this i know...i will post this and call the catch of the week. i will lure him in for the evening and deep down inside i'm not sure i just want to spend it alone. i'm not sure i just want to be left extrodinarily alone.