2004-09-17 - 1:00 a.m.

welcome to the world of the delirious and constantly self obsessed: welcome to the world of fashion.

the last two nights i've been in the midst of it in my little town and it's very odd. what is consumingly amusing is that in these circles you see the exact same people at every event, every night. it was like that cruising the fine art crowd and now this. and all of them employee severe double kiss-ness.

last night was a particular trip. it was for a bday at one of the spots and it was full of models, photographers, etc and one paris hilton just for kicks. at first i thought it was an impersonator, i was like oh my god that looks just like her, but it was. she's much shorter than i'd thought. and it's not like i've thought of it. forbid.

my friend and i kicked off late night with these brits. the one i hooked up with is a photographer from nyc. it was an odd evening. a coi pond, bamboo, sweat.

honestly, i'm having revelations about my behavior in this regard. as i was driving home in last nights clothes, wondering what day it was, it occured to me, i should be heading to therapy. so i trot on in, in my party clothes, ripe for some reworking.

tonight i was at this fashion thing and every single person in there spent an unbelieveable amount of time checking eachother out and then begging to be photographed. someone asked me to say something on camera about my line and my friend had to rescue as i'm a clutze. she's really something. this is a newer friend. a stylist who takes my stuff out all the time. we help eachother. but now we've started running around together and we make quite a team. it feels strange running around with someone who stops the show. she has those looks. she's older but she used to be a fuck off super model. it's all interesting. enjoyable.

i got into another store. i was really nervous for this small boutique appointment and i spilled my fruit shake all over their floor just to start things off right. keen.

just fucking keen.

i have another appointment tomorrow that i'm utterly unprepared and underslept for and then another big one on monday. they are big in the respect that they are strategically fucking key, not that they do big orders. but these are the shops that make the big boys drool over and then the chunky orders roll in. tomorrow is one of the most 'name' places in l.a. they have two locations and i'm going to the more yuppy one cuz the ass. buyer is my friend. which places an odd feeling on it for me. good in the fact that she's the reason i'm there and then not good in the fact that i don't like mixing biz and friendship.

i literally haven't fucking slept. i need to catch up this weekend. when i start running around, it's hard to come down. it's hard to land. i start to abandon my space and my body and take flight. then i'm always out, always moving, always with people.

here's the savory part: the 21 yr old. hence forth: "21". he wants to see me this weekend. it's absolutely funny to me that he's so assertive, and yet so sweet and young. i just don't know what to do with him. i can't wait to find out though. i might get to shy to take over tho. not sure i can get over some vague sense that it is just totally WRONG. the fact that he's the age my cousin (lil sister in highschool) would date. that is the real stickler. in fact i think she at 17 IS dating a 21 year old. fuck.

that guy that i'm really into hasn't called since sunday. i'm wondering why, but i'm also too spent and delirious to pay it too much attention. but i also know his bday is coming up and initially he was telling me about it, but now hasn't mentioned. maybe an ex is coming. arg. trying to let gooooo!

i may call tomorrow. we'll see. :*x i've gotta go prep my appointment for tomorrow.