2004-08-03 - 6:35 p.m.

i am dizzy with discomfort.

my period is playing a fun little game of teaser which is sending my hormones into high gear. and today i've had trouble breathing over this law suit. then i drive all the way to my billionaire clients in malibu and they are on vacation and neglected to tell me and of course i can't charge them because they are so cheap they will hold it against me and i'll probably loose them as clients. so i ate the 90 minutes of my afternoon, the time i could of been working and the unbelievably expensive gas money (thx you cunt of an "president" or shall i call you by ur prefered name "dick-tator?"

i just can't seem to easily balance myself out through these recent challenges. i feel like i've taken too many to the gut, i'm bent over and i'm just catching my breath.

but this is life.

and for some it's incredibly worse. loosing a loved one. dying of cancer.

i know challenges will be worse in life. i know i'll have to learn how to last through more than this.

wasn't it fun when i was just traveling the world and sleeping with fun-boys?

this IZ the year of the monkey. this is the year of wood. i was warned at the start of it. this is a shyt ass year of total challenge and the worst part is that i'm completely lost in judgement on how i'm handling it. i'm taking it like it's the end of the world as i know it. i'm letting it rape me of most of my solidarity and enjoyment and security. and breath. and stomach acid burning me alive. and gaining weight.

i'm on the verge of being calm, but there's something deep within me that feels like if i let down the wall of anxiety, i'll be punished *worse*. so i hit it hard so "you" don't have to.

that's my motto. i'll kill me, so you don't have to.

you being life. not you my dear reader.

i feel like i had a fucking crack mixer in my coffee. i'm all wired up. i'm on the ceiling like a cat in a back bursting hiss. my hair is on end.

okay really i'm sitting on my van seat couch, my heart palpatating out of control and i'm pacing the room, unable to do much for more than one minute.

i'm afraid to relax. i feel like i don't deserve to. i feel like if i do i'll get sucker punched to the gut again. it's like being on an airplane and thinking if you just worry the entire time, then you won't crash. there's some sick *sick* comfort in worry. it gives me the feeling that at least i'm *doing* something about this.

i feel weepy and then the minute i think at least i can relieve myself with a good cry, i get too anxious and angry and my only teased relief is cut off by a samurai sword. sharp. swift. quick.

and i'm trying not to turn to someone outside myself to calm me. someone to force me down. i want to learn how to calm myself and use cheesey "inner tools" like an asshole carpenter. fuck. i don't want to turn to someone "needing" them to manage me. contain me. when can i graduate?

when do i graduate this?