2004-06-27 - 2:49 p.m.

i'm too irritated to talk. it's sunday, i've got to do three years of taxes to do, i've got to catch up on work, i've got nothing nice to say and nothing nice to feel.

and the amusing part is that on the "outside" everything seems terrific. and on my inside i'm a hellacious fucking angry ass mess.

even lizard was working my last fucking nerve last night. she's so guileless and decisionless and insecure. changing four times WHILE WE WERE OUT. and then asking how she looks eight more times and that's just a given. she's unbearably unconfident and i'm in a foul ass mood and my cat is sick and i don't know what to do for her. it's funny, when i try to retain that good day i had three days ago. that day when i get stellar news about work and everything feels powerful and light and moving. and then the next day, megalithic fight with vendor in compton and there i am tempting fate screaming, in compton with three mexican men, alone. it's as if i have no fear of death at all. maybe in some sick way i'd welcome the temptation of it. maybe on days like today, the edge would wake me past this salmon colored sedation. sedation is the worst. i'd rather feel unbearably sad, but the lowness sucks. i guess i can go to yoga and hope to switch the sensation. i'm not working the boy angle, so that lill addiction doesn't bring me up. lizard thrives on it. and i judge that too, heavily. shes sleeping with her boyfriend and her ex, and her bf is a friend of mine to and i know she's not honest with him and i fuckin hate it and she knows i don't like it and i always say, you can do anything as long as you are honest with all parties and she gets all vague cuz i know like hell she's not. and then she starts fully dating a brand new guy and they already gotten touchy feeley. i think my friend would be floored if he knew. you never really know what people are up to and i know she wouldn't flaat out lie, she's a very honest person, but she's smearing the facts and blurring it all. and why am i so resentful at her? wow. i've got so much work to do. sorry to spew, if i can't here, then where?

last night we went to this fun magazine party of a friend of mine. then we ate late night. and "worker" caused drama with some guy she slauffed and then he's a friend of mine and he started flirting with me, which i detest so i handed the phone (with her on it) to him and she dualed it out and then he gave me the whole you're a bitch i'm betrayed thing. but i think he's repulsive and i'd only contact him as a biz contact. i don't for a second venture into, hey you hit it with a friend, let's have a go, land. not for me man. and for this guy to think for a second i'd go there is incredibly disrespectful. he's everything i hate about LA. cheesey, name drops compulsively, talks about his private yoga classes at his house to lure women in, makes damn sure you know how financially sound he is with in, oh i'd say five minutes of knowing him. it's sick and it's actually really sad. to feel that panicked and desperate for everyone to like you, and then wonder if they only like you for your money all the time. i wonder what would happen if we all just simultaneously loved ourselves, genuinely for a day what the world would look like. i think we operate so much out of falsehood and repressed anger and old hurts.

over it.