2004-05-07 - 1:26 a.m.

praise allah, i got my period. full moon callibrated, with a two date late wait due to the monthly anxiety of whether she'll come or not becuz i'm a fool.

yikes. i'm booking the trip. it sounded much more fun in theory. it's cool when you travel for business, when your business pays for it. starting my own thing tho it's so much more of a risk. my small investment funds takes on that risk. and it's becoming too real now. my partner person in nyc is messangering out stuff next week and i'll get yes's and i'll get no's and i'm not prepared for either. and i'm not prepared to 'take meetings'. i don't know how some people i know here do narly pitch meetings with major studios here all the time. 'busy' does that and he's such a sales man he can do anything. it's that assertiveness, that aggression of getting what you want. i have that only in certain instances. i don't know how much balls i have for this.

last time i was in ny, lizard and nyc were with me and it was a riot. i had padding. one friend may want to go, but she's a drain. a total fuckin drain and i can't babysit. this is going to possibly be full on. and i don't want to be lonely and not have someone to play with. i have one friend who may be there at that time and he's ridiculously dialed in. but i'm not sure if he's there or not. my intern may even want to come and she has her own place to stay with friends. i've gotta find somewhere ghetto. the last time lizard and i ended up in an unspeakable place. it goes down in history and we had a great time having a laugh over the entire experience, we'll never ever forget it.

do you know, she means the world to me? besides a boyfriend, i'm not sure i've ever been this close to someone. maybe my very first bestfriend, t.s., who got pulled out of school cuz her family was in the mafia and they just left one day. i went to school and was told she was sick. then a week later i still wondered, i just wanted t.s. back. we were inseperable. lizard and i learn a lot through eachother. and she's so gentle, she's softened my edges. she's softened me just becuz she is.

i feel like i have this whole team behind me on this work, so many people that have been checkin in on the progress and are backing it. i feel like i'm going with a whole crew in my backpocket. just to keep the power out of it, i am not talking about the trip. i'm not telling anyone. gosh i told my work i was going to see family for a long weekend, forgot to mention monday, tues, and wednesday. thank god for wireless. no one will even know. i just need to do what is right in front of me and stay extremely focused and maybe not play with boys for a few weeks. and not think anything at all about the results. sever them from my thoughts.

it's hard for me to go to a city where i'm not dialed in. i'm very rooted here, i know all the various colorful parts of town, know on every night at least one ligit thing happening. all the spots, the hidden spots, and too many people...it's wierd being naked in new york.