2004-04-30 - 8:27 p.m.

i was laughing out loud at the last gbook entry. i'm happy to amuse someone and enlighten them by the efforts of my spin cycle. you can get out anytime, but you will be wet.

is my life senseless? here's what our friend said on my gbook...

message:

You need to move to TN, God's country; find a country boy, live in a trailer, have some uneducated children, grow pot, and shop at the Walmart. :) But seriously, I thought my life of abject solitude sucked....but your senseless and frenzied existence is a living hell. They say the only real hell is the one you create for yourself. So thank you for a glimpse and the utter sincerity of your feelings. I've honestly struggled for almost a decade to understand my ex-girlfriend (only woman I ever loved), and now I know what insane things went on in her demented head. Thank you for helping me write her off completely and allowing me to move on. You are like the proverbial light bulb. I wish you the best of luck and genuinely hope that in another life you'll be my sister.

____________________________________

why not sign your name? i'm now dying to know more. and curious to know what city you live in and what kind of life you lead. i'm very curious about people.

i wonder. is my life really senseless? do i have a demented head? am *i* demeanted? something i've certainly never thought of myself. listen i'm just honest in here. brutally, i think others think all this with a different shade of perriwinkle, but i'm at fault for expressing it.

senseless? frenzied, yes definately. living hell? man, i'll tell you, fuck yeah, the inner workings of my mind can be a fucking hell. the outter experience of my life, a brilliant barrage of flavor and temptation, tastes and savory. right now i'm feeling that its more difficult by the sheer amount of work i'm taking on, and i'm out socially a lot as per usual. hmm. i'm trying to wrap myself around this idea of inner hell. and i would buy that someone with a 'slower' life in a smaller city takes deeper breaths and might not growing a hyernia the way i'm headed. i think i just need more meditation. and i need to take on less and compare myself to others less. it's that inner shame, what a sham.

how sad tho that you, gbooker, got so hurt. how sad that *all* of us got so hurt, and spin around repeating our patterns onto others. reverberating the hurt. that original pain.

it's crazy that we are all just trying to love and be loved, and yet we react and protect out of hurt. protect against love, distance from love.

but i don't understand how i give light to your knowing of your ex's inner workings. what was she like? was she me?

i get paranoid that you are someone i've dated, you've discovered my journal and are now in a full scale onslaught of judgement of me.

ya know, i work exceedingly hard. till collapse. and i like to let the fuse out socially, is that why your judging me? cuz i'm wild? or cuz i'm too fast? i am discovering that i need to be more conscious in the midst of my speed. honestly, i go so fast becuz i'm afraid of what comes when i slow down.

lethargy.

or depression.

and having 2 jobs and 2 additional growing careers beyond just the 'job's' is a lot to spin on. i wish it wasn't like this. i wish i could just quit and go tropical. i'd like a simplier life. i'd like a life in sf with only one or two jobs and a garden and a quality boyfriend. i'd like to drop dead from this circuit in which i run. all these social outings and sproutings. but some of them inspire me. dial me up. invigorate me. and some fuck me up.

i'm supposed to be leaving for another one of those scene's in twenty minutes and i'm so exhausted and have so much more work to do, i can barely imagine. this is cabana style, poolside at a hotel, then i'm going to the ultimate dive bar in DT for a show.

it's true, i'm a highly over stimulated person. i have too many friends, too much work, too much going on. my intake level is extremely high. i wonder if i'd be borred to tears without all of it. i wonder how uncomfortable i would be sitting with myself without all of it.

i'd like to now know more about you renassiance.