2004-03-20 - 9:51 p.m.

i can barely piece sentances together. i'm "on" the morning after pill. it makes me feel like someone sucker punched my stomach, added some acidic devils mix in the form of mexican hot sauce, on top of a previous ulcer and then sprinkle some nautia to be sure.

i'm fucking pissed.

pissed. pissed pissed. pissed. pisssed. this asshole i had started to date let go of the kids too early in the pool. way too early and didn't even fucking bother to pull out and then says after, are you on the pill. a little god damn late for that. and yes, it is my fault too, i've got to use the duck but he let'er rip without even a god damn cent of warning. not a god damn hint. that is the most selfish, disrespectful act that i've ever ever fucking received in this way. particularly from someone who immediately asks when he can see me again adn starts rocking the label "babe". what the muther fuck do i loook like? some fucking chic from miami god damn vice? some god damn gullible blond whore who hears a novice word of affection and melts inside. it's a fuckin insult and it instantaneously made me shutter with absolute repulse. no human i endear calls me things like 'babe' or 'sweety' until they fucking know me. like five years and fucking plus know me. that fucking little amateur.

he is god damn lucky that i'm too lazy to find his god damn number and ring a ding up that dick wad piece of shit and give him a load of my mood.

i feel so sick. so ill and emotional. it's like instantaneously feeling pregnant with barrels of nautia and frustration. i can't even cry cuz i'm so shut down.

when i talk to that 'human being' again, i'm going to fucking read it to him.

i am done.

i've said it before. but i'm done.

no sex, no mixing it up. not for a while.

n*o*n*e

and i'm so angry cuz i wrote this piece this morning that i was in a mad cap for and now re=reading it, i think it feels like tarnished brass as opposed to the previously assumed gold.

the best i can do right now is go to bed, watch a film and eat a tuna melt while deeply horizontal. and try not to speak on the phone to anyone other than lizard as i'm just not fit for human intersections. i feel like egging his car and his house and his naked, shaking person.

what a fucking pussy. what a fucking pussy he is.