2004-02-20 - 4:34 p.m.

hmmm.

r u dying to hear about the turk?

hahaha!!

yow!

things r really well. i feel a sweeping wave rolling softly inside. i'm actually dealing with me and not running so FUCKING hard inside.

just staying with my inner riots.

wow. and i was running. out all the time. consummed constantly. stopped listening to what i needed. pure deprivation and speed. (not the drug, the movement).

so i met her at a bar down the street. it was so ODD.

i was less nervous than i supposed i would be. it was powerful. and she blew me away, she is so attractive. so refined and sexy. i think she's also very caotic, in the way that she keeps a boyfriend and cheats compulsively with women. but god damn she's hot. and i was really wanting a fine number to tool around with. the world acts fast sometimes when i'm direct.

we ate a papaya and goat cheese quesedilla, i paid, picked the place. that was fun. being the boy. you *KNOW* i jones out on control.

then we went to a bar, walked to the italian ice cream shop. had another drink at the bar. i was secretly hoping to run into M. haha. i'm ridiculous for certain, eh?

i broached the subject of women that she's been with or what she's all about. found out about her interesting mix. i gyrated from comfort and surety to giggly overly talking first date bullshit. it's very odd. cuz i had to control my compulsion to check out the hot guys. and here they are checking us out, and yet we are also to ourselves. at the first bar, there was a supreme doll, this guy and it was wild to have to just focus on her and not let my eyes trail too long and be roood.

i can't stop smoking cigarretttes. coffin burners.

we hugged at the goodbye. she had a very sexy car. she's working down the street as we speak. i think i may see her next week. i certainly don't feel any urgency about it. and i don't think she wants anything emotionally from me. i think she's confused. or not at all, and simply full of knowing what she wants. i'm not sure either of us know what we want from eachother. so i'll just let it breath for a few days. how fucking nice that feels to be able to do that.

and not obsess. and i've been keeping my thoughts curtailed from M too.

i'm really ocommittted to therapy and getting LOW. AND not just talking aboout the drama or the him. what's the him beneath that him?

my dad?

certainly.

he called last night. his bday is today. we had one of the most connected adult, cerebral, emotive talks ever. it was one of the best moments of my life. and it terrified me that he'll die soon and i'll be left only wwith the excellence of that conversation.

that day i was spending lots of time at the construction store. i love it there. i'm comfortable and inspired there like no other place in the world. my dad has always owned a construction company so the smell of ply wood, fresh, the amber of cigarettes, the falling dust, the cement just sends me into a little girl space. i was driving home in my car that smells just like my dad, thinking of how i'm embracing what a daddy's girl i am and how important he and my brother are to me. essentially connected. i had the chance to tell him all of this and not just think it.

he was full of emotion. tearing away at hidden wounds from the past and how away he was. beating himself up.

it was truely all beautiful...but...he said something that broke my heart and i'm clasping at myself inside today over it. when i was saying that he's one of the most important people to me and how much i love him, he said it took him 55 years to realize that. i guess that he loves me. so does that mean he didn't love me for the previous 55 years? it has ruined a piece of me, and yet i know that this go for broke alcoholic who has spent his entire life vehemittly hating himself, couldn't possibly find the room or ability to love someone else. so, logically i get it. i accept it and i have gentleness inside for it. but it just confirms this solid inner belief that i was never loved. and am unloveable. that i don't really exhist at all. i don't know what to do with this. i want to talk to him about it. he'll probably try to just frost over it like fresh painted coverings and i'll feel that. that's why my heart always feels so fucking broken. so fucking broken. it's not ever so much the current 'him' as that orginal him that i got somehow rejected from. that i've been spending my life protecting myself against.

it just is.

like all the moments that collide. like the amalgamation of moments that feel as if they once exhisted and yet they all feel amputated from me, as if all that happens is only right now. all that can be proven is this very moment. the moments all happening at once simulataneously like on tralfamador.