2004-01-11 - 3:39 a.m.

i'm being fucking tortured tonight. it's all building with in me. this desire to make out. not jsut with anyone. with someone i truely can't stand another minute not to.

tonight i went to an art opening of a very good friend, then a bar with the german and he was so fucking sexy. since he has a girl back in germ, i of course worked the room a bit. hey, don't hate the lion, hate the lair. anyway, got the email of my main prey for the night. he was very good looking cat, but seemed a bit into younger blonds and seemed into the whole prestige thing, which doesn't tickle me too much. then off to this party to be teased more by the german. we are dancing, cheeks touching when we are talking. glancing seconds too long into eachothers eyes. i know he's really behaving cuz i remember the way he danced with me in mexico and he's really keeping his distance. totally different. god damn. so there is all this mad sexual energy building within me. this very particular energy to rebel and express and expload.

i'm having the time of my life meeting and flirting and enjoying. i feel no impetus to slow down or be serious. it feels right to just throw down and let it all go.

i'm craving that make out session. and more. with this sexy man and i'm also still thinking about it with a woman. and i am very picky on that. it can't jsut be anyone. but i feed off of this energy. it fills me and inebriates me.

i wonder what nyc will think of my german friend. in a selfish, childish way i want nyc to meet him and see us out, having that same close friendship thing, so nyc gets it off his jock that he doesn't own me. on another note, i thought he'd be home by now, and over my dead body do i want to call him, but i'm dying to know when he is in town. i'm dying to get high from him. i don't even crave him physically at all. i crave his validation. i crave seeing him and being consummed and important to him. i crave the dance we do. it's thick with insanity. i want to drive him crazy. i don't want to have sex with him. i have no desire. our sex doesn't stick out in my mind. it's the dance at night that sends my neurons firing. it's seeing him out and playing. and i'm feeling sexy right now. i've created all these crazy outfits, ones i've done custom, that have been complimented a few times tonight, enough to make me wonder if i could really sell them. make some green off the fun i'm having. but i don't know where to get cheap stock. anyway. i blab. i jsut feel like i'm having the time of my life and i don't want this to end. i don't know how any other phase of life could possibly compare to this. i feel like i'm just getting started.

tomorrow night the german and i are supposed to go out to a show and dancing again. he's just fun to flirt like mad with. i just can't seem to see how this will constantly curtail. but it will.

god damn i need some really really good expressive, explosive, impulsive, safe, hungry sex. i need it with someone i inherently respect and almost love, but don't feel anything for but attraction. just raw sensations pulsating and building.

we all can't wait to hear those stories. stay tuned.