2003-08-11 - 12:25 p.m.

lemme break down my situation and involvement in this new guy. then we'll get to the midnight, moonlit surf session i had with him.

lately NOTHING romantically has been working wiith anyone. everything has smoked out like the last fading embers of a late night camp fire. spark. dead. spark. dead. my ego can't take it. so when the river is flowing and you're standing in the middle of it and can't stop it, you flow with it. so i decided to cut it all out till sept 7th, when i'm doing my next sweat lodge. cuz i've been on an inward journey and am so less interested in the outward high of feeling validated and spun on the wheel of who likes me. it is like sugar. and sugar isn't sustinance.

so i cut all the peripheral boys out. all the candy. but there was this one, we'll call him luke, that someone forced us to meet, saying we had so much in common. and he kept calling until i ended up mtg with him.

our first time out we went to do meditation and chanting. and then sat in his car for hours talking. the last time i connected with someone so spiritually, philosophically and conversationally deep was when i dated that woman years ago. the second time we hung out, we were goin to go skateboarding, but we ended up talking on my couch for hours. he never tried to kiss me and it was driving me crazy. every movement of his hands petting my cat made me ache. here's, of course, the caveat: he's 23. 23!! i'm almost 28. i'm not kidding you when i say i have a mild 23 year old addiction. there's been a real string of them. he's in school to for eastern medicine and he's also a massuese. he's the most evolved man i've ever met. and my friend replied that he must be gay.

two nights ago he brought me over some chocolate milk and again, hours of talk, foot massage, legs getting tangled up in eachother. pillow fights, tickles. hands touching slowly. hands in hair, watching, eyes meeting. slow. a kiss on my inner leg, arm. present. then the kiss. it was great. then we had a make out session.

last night we went midnight, moonlit surfing. i caught a few nice badboys to show off my motion-in-the-ocean. he was so sweet. holding me on the beach. piggyback riding. holding hands. it was touching. it penetrated my gaurded heart. it walked in and warmed it, opened it. afterwards some nice kissing goodbye.

wow.

i do like him.

never the less, i still feel that what is of primary importance is my creative work. it comes first for the first time ever.

and i've made it a focus to change my thinking from trying to manifest, grabbing for more, in a fearful effort and thought that i'll be left with nothing. that accounts for much of my motivation. and others just see it as amazing. but really some of it is only fear driven. and that's why i'm a bolistic player. i want more more more. and then a few extra's just in case. and i'm done. done with that approach in love, in work. the universe just respects trust. calm. belief. patience.

i shut down for a few days becuz i'm scared. my first piece of creative work is under consideration to a buyer whom i really respect and i'll find out today or tomorrow if the buyer wants to meet with me next week in seattle. i already booked the tix to meet w/ family, so i'm going. but i can barely breath over the suspense. i really want this like nothing. i've quit all other distractinng things to stream line into this. i quit acting, my agent, finished the indy feature. everything is now devoted to this art form that i've always done and never recognized openly. i've never shared it. so here we go. this feels like a suddle and insane risk. like pure nudity. if they nibble then the damn breaks and the shit flows.

i can't wait to tell you how it all goes, stay tuned to see if i get the mtg in seattle and what happens with luke. i want to see him tonight. i'm addicted! what is it? is it *love*? haha. i'm too synical to buy into thoughts of "he's the one" bullshat! but what i can buy is that he is here to teach me something and that it feels right. very right and very warming.