2003-07-16 - 3:11 p.m.

wow.

life is truly promised to no one.

your day could end right now.

i was driving, bikini clad, up the coast for a surf safari. when i got stuck for an hour, for 2 miles. there was a five car crash.

then i get so irritated that i turn around and roll back into my hood and eight people are struck dead by an automobile at the farmers market 2 miles from my home. this is one block from where i usually work this day. from where i had a lunch plan today right during that time. what the fuck.

at 2 today eight peoples lives immediately ended. now it's raining from what was a completely blue sky. the sky is crying at another loss of our insane people.

i never can get much work done when people are dying.

last night i had the date with the nyc guy. and he's very animated. he said that the minute he saw me he felt the giddiness, this insane draw. and i had too. we had a strong connection. lots of energy and talk. i go on a LOT of dates. and i'm borred by most of them. the only perk is a make out session, which i haven't been thrilled with lately either.

but last night as he was arriving i was dying of curiousity about him. and as we sat on my couch listening to music after an amazing meal i was giddy again and tickled everywhere about the pending kiss. i was drunk in the wait. i loved the pause, the suspence. the intensity. then the kiss was perfect. soft and building and his attention everywhere on me. the make out was great. hot. sweaty. combined. he didn't stay the night. he hasn't called yet today. (girl paranoia that i usually skirt is setting in). he's not a caller. he made it clear that he's really into me, but he remains seperate. and he leaves friday. i feel tortured. cuz i haven't liked someone this much in ages. i wonder how much of it has to do with him leaving. but he has so much of what i want. he's enlightened, sensitive and tough. focused, passionate about life and driven. outdoorsy and city (which is actually hard to find). where as the new bbrit in my life is very city, very in doors and pastey.

we were able to look into eachothers eyes. and really hold eachother. but it's spun me out all day long. i've gotten nothing done, but sit in pch traffic now spin on the hood deaths and the disarray in the air. it's a real toss off day. but even a toss off day, for some, it was unbeknownst to themselves, their last day spent. what do i do with this day. how can it be rich, when i feel it "unproductive" how can i still feel it intensely and love it in a real way, cuz we never know. how would you taste your last day? how would you see it? what if your body was stuck in its daily routine, unknowing of whats to come, but some part of your intuition knew...did theirs? did they somehow know? will i? will i make a choice in my day now?