2003-07-13 - 8:56 p.m.

i need to chew in smaller bites, forcing me to slow down.

my mind has raced today on what i'm to 'become'. of what people become.

my life is good. it is simple and it is good. but i have friends, who have signed three picture deals to direct films at a big studio at the age of 26 and one who is going to be a huge rockstar who signed without even a demo tape. both friends are boys. and it trips me out. shoves down my throat the sensation of what i am, and more importantly, what i am not. i think to myself, when youth finally washes from me, i'll be nothing.

but i know i've got a burning light people are attracted to, that it's more than beauty and a flailing youth.

i've been beating myself up worse the bloodbath the nyc squad leashes out on newly stunned immigrants. beating into myself that i'm getting old (27) and that my body isn't toned enough or fit enough. logically i know i'm okay. i fit into 'thin' category. i'm like a real girl thin. no one would ever make the assumption that i'm anorexic. but this fucking city is full of MORE. more skin, better bodies, hipper clothes. if you can remain centered here, you can thrive alive anywhere. but god daMN if my mind doesn't start a feast on myself. and then i play with the wonder whether or not the career i'm pursuiting, and feel a lot of hope for success, will be enough. my ego starts elbowing me out. cuz i love my friends no matter their 'titles' or success. but i wonder if my new 'title' in life will be enough in circles of strangers i could give two hot piles of bile about!

fuck. then swiftly after charging about my body sensations and job stuff, my mind starts a blathering about how i'll never find a mate. how i'll be too late.

fuck. it hurts.

here's the silence i asked for in the last entry (read that it's much better than this is turning out to be).

i asked to see what would come up. i'm silently in my space. i could of met with a friend tonight. could of squireled out the last drop of my energy just to avoid being alone, but here i am.

breathing deeply and staying.

i'm curious becuz i met this guy on an airplane a while ago, he ran after me and gave me a souvenir from the airport after we met cuz we were staring at eachother and he sent back a note with the stuardist. he'll be coming in from nyc monday.

i like him. but he feels a bit inconsistent to me. a bit consummed by something, either a plethera of women, one woman or he's work obsessed.

and i know, u loyal readers and sighing that i'm trying to get into another long distance thing to avoid intimacy.

HELL YEAH I AM.

hehehe.

someone is entirely more attractive when they are a. leaving the country, b.from another country.

he let me know he'll be here, but he hasn't asked me out for a particular night. and he said, 'what till u see what i brought you this time'.

i'm dying of curiousity.

i would like to be a purchased woman for once. i'm sick of integrity. i'd like to be flown places and bought things. but i feel like that is having golden shakles. even worse cuz the glitter keeps you from seeing the bruises 'round your wrist. i know some of these women. they always have an eye of envy at the length of my wings and the freedom to fly anytime i want.

but that means i have to work hard.

i'll let you know how it goes!