2003-04-28 - 10:32 p.m.

remember the good old daze when i'd be writing from some other country, conquesting some slice of skin or intoxication of life?

now i feel like i'm changing. like i want nothing but purity and slowness.

my friend pointed out that since my wild new years eve, sending me into 200 & three, that i've been in a hurricane of fixing. saturated by the male variety.

new years eve, skin-city, jan 2nd met surfer. dated several guys. vermont and surfer juggle. etc. and i haven't had any time to me. and those shenanegans happened only 2-3 months after ben. i know i never really got over the hurt of ben. i just tried to obliterated it by diving into the pool of forget-it-now.

and now after all of it is gone, i'm so on my own. sometimes this is amazing and rich and full. this weekend was great. cool conversations with friends i would never had hung with if i had the guy to torture and make him fill me up, please me, quiet my insatiable need.

of course i slipped up a bit sat. night after a silly party. i went to one of my platonic friends bungalow on the ocean. we'll call him diver. haha. we have been friends for five years. never had sex. he was in love with me apperently, but he's insane and so far off, that he and i know it couldn't work. i wouldn't even consider it cuz he abhors everything societal. everything i indulge in like cars, nice hot spots, frivolous people, patterns. he only likes to kayak and be with nature and physical highs and psycadelics and orchids and the ocean.

so we snuggle. we will spend all night embraced and nothing will pass between us. we both are out of our situations with others. his lady sounded just like me, only now in nyc.

i was randy as hell, and our snuggle turned into a devour. and i enjoyed myself. we didn't have sex. we went kayaking the next morning and hung out all day.

i almost want to fix on him. but we've known eachothers game for so long. i know it won't work. half of a good fix is in the sensation of not knowing the other completely. i know diver like a brother. we are kin. and yes it is sick because we now are kin that kiss.

i really do want the partner. i am holding a vision of him. i know what i want. and i don't want to distract myself any longer from it. i want to be ready. i want myself to be unafraid. i want to stay open and catapult my walls, debrick them.

goodnight moon. :*)