2003-04-16 - 10:46 p.m.

well i've had a day. a day that feels like one big hemmroidal flareup.

i woke up happy. the shoot we were to do was canceled by the director day of, which left three people looking at me, and me all day on the phone trying to reschedule. and it's the second time he did it to me. then i had my first nutter client at the spa.

some fuckin institute is missing one stout lady who's mother is placing bad spells on her. so i had to end the session within the first five minutes. i couldn't fucking image doing a full hour on this nut muther fuckin case telling 'no here, no like this'. i didn't want to cause the spa the liability of me having to kill her.

then the new guy i'm dating gets stiff about hanging out tonight, saying that maybe since i've had a bad day i should be alone tonight. yes, i see the logic in that you cunt. so i hung with friends and he's officially on my shat list.

and my hooter feels funny. yes. my hooter pa-tooter. and now i'm thinking the surfer gave me some disease cuz he slutted out on me. or that i'm pregnant. cuz wouldn't that be my luck today?

but.

whatever.

there's always worse. i have food. i have peace. i have a space. i have books. i have expression. i have love. i have a nice vibrator.

and people were kind to me today. people hugged and loved me. and said really heartfelt, kind things.

so i can write it off. but i want to eat it out. pizza, cookies. i want to stay up all night and work. and watch movies. and i want to smoke and cause trouble.

and i'm pissed cuz my book "love in the time of cholera" is finished. and it's like a delicious lover leaving the country. it's over. it was amazing. i cried. and now all i have is some semi trashy novel that i don't want to committ to.

and today i had residual pissedness for the surfer. that he is the most vindictive prick i've ever come across and that i'm damn glad it has ended now. he likes to 'get people back'. he uses things as punishment, withdrawing stuff. even when i've been hurt or pissed, if below that i love them, i still want them to succeed and have their dreams come true. and i've helped them after hurt. i helped ben in this way. and i hate ben. he moved on quite swiftly eh?

men. fuck. are you kidding me?

fuck.

i should date women. but we menstruate and i'm not sure i could get over that. ew.

i hate waiting.

i hate having to wait and trust that gold will be at the end of long rainbows that disappear when you look too closely.

i hate trusting.

i grew up among so many false promises, that if it doesn't happen by tomorrow it never will, and if i don't 'make' it happen, it never will.

so i can't trust. yes in two weeks. or yes with re-writes and dozens of loops to jump through.

i'm so emotional tonight. i must be preg or about to menstruate. i can see my boy readers cringe. :*)

but i'm impressed by the love i get by my friends. how openly. how long it took to let them in and how in they are. in on the jelly underbelly of me. sweet and tender. blazing light, reminding me that i helped to start the fire.