2001-08-22 - 3:42 p.m.

my ass is as numb as an ice pick.

what the fuck was i thinking going from bikini boob sweat to freeze my arse off melbourne?

it's a great city. i felt like i was in denver, very sentimental, feeling home like that. everyone is blow me nice here. and it's very white. colorless. to the point where its a tad flat.

i'm like tonic water. totally unsettled. i can't sit in a city for more than three days. i'm insane. i'm sure that will be the one regrett about how i've moved through my travels. i've sped. i speed. i run. its instinctual.

i don't know how to stay. it took me years to buy furniture, cuz i thought that at any moment i would leave.

i now have earned furniture, two cats. i have roots sewn. i had a strange dream about the utter denial of my family growing up. about cat pee, deterioration. ignoring the pee, no one taking responsiblity. what am i ignoring about my life?

this running?

it's where i'm at tho. i must just accept it.

cuz now i'm here, i want to change my ticket and leave early. i think i should give the place a chance and jsut stay and and and.

but i ask myself, would i rather stay in a cold city or be beachside for a few extra days, with my new bikini? i base way too much on clothes. see i am materialistic and silly.

la thread that piece into me.

but i'm also afraid i'll regrett going to the islands vfor too long, seeing too much of cush and wearing that too thin.

within the first hour here i met someone. hehe it's a theory, to lock in something right away. lots of dolls here. more earthy and naturally hot than the fru-fucks in LA. hot.

and all very white as i've mentioned. it's startling actually. unnerving. where's the mexican, ethopian, jew mix i'm used to ala LA?

i know i know. i'm tonic because to let the fizz settle would be to offer myself the moment. to just be. to trust. to sit.

AND I CAN'T GOD DAMN IT.

today...i'm going to practice not deciding. i'm going to be in the moment all day long. then i'll have a decision tomorrow or the next. i'm going to practice.