2001-08-07 - 8:22 p.m.

ko tao

there is a personal island vendetta against my long body. as i now look like a person dragged from their toes for a speedboat over severe rocks.

i went diving today and the coral gave my leg some more lovin.

i just masturbated to a garbage song, then fell into a slippery wierd sleep, where i woke up confused about where i was and what i was supposed to do.

i'm chatting also with cush. i'm going to break it to him.

it being that i can't go to him. that it's becuz of our differences in drinking. it's instinctual to know that it wouldn't work now that the ephemeron has worn off me like a blanketing climax.

it was raining late today and i had a great time, reading, sitting, eating icecream and sipping coffee. just watching life, drinking in a smile, marveling at the whole shark and it's rubbery skin diced in front of me.

i want to live in the honey moon cush and i had. i don't want to slice in the reality. but it's there, like a tumor, weighing on me and growing.

i'm so mean...this is what i'm writing...

"there are things i didn't, talk about. cuz it was a honeymoon and all. things that have been settling back into me

Cush says:

like what? i'm all ears.

[email protected] says:

first i need to hear that you miss me.

Cush says:

i miss you. i miss everything about you. my heart aches during the day and all i look forward to is staring into your eyes again soon.

[email protected] says:

there are some lifestyle differences, in terms of my decision and clearity about not drinking. i've done a lot of work on it in my life, come far. you don't know the whole story, but i'm sure that you are familiar. but i feel like it, me being sober, would somehow be in our way. that i'd suddly set it aside. and it's the most important thing to me in my life.

[email protected] says:

i'm terribly fuckin happy and it's souly due to my sobriety.

Cush says:

got it. ive dealt with that my whole life and can be very supportive.

[email protected] says:

and i do know that sounds pollianic, so call me molleana

[email protected] says:

but it's my life.

[email protected] says:

it's the foundation

[email protected] says:

i've almost died be4, living w/ the reality of slowly killing myself and not wanting to do shit about it.

[email protected] says:

it's such a delicate string that i am still sober. but ...

[email protected] says:

and

[email protected] says:

i almost have three years. oct 21

Cush says:

i'm here.

[email protected] says:

i've made throught the thick and back and i can't believe i'm still sober

[email protected] says:

it's the way i hope to live my life.

Cush says:

i'm here for you.

[email protected] says:

but i can see the ease i might slip into with you, enjoying, drinking.

Cush says:

great. i know the difficulty and wouldn't discount your commitment.

[email protected] says:

it does seem to be incorporated into your lifestyle, WHICH IS NOT A JUDGEMENT. i'm the one w/ the prob. u know whats right for u. but yes it does effect me eventualy.

Cush says:

i actually dn't drink much. hard to believe since i drank the whole time with you but it's true. i get more out of my work.

so when do you get here?

[email protected] says:

i just have a strong intuitioooon about this being between us. and i can't fall in love with someone where this is an issue. i watched this happen my whole life. i've already danced with it in mine. i now have some solution, resolve.

[email protected] says:

so if i thought i could keep this on fun girl affair level, i wouldn't have such a problem

[email protected] says:

but there's definately a different and strange feeling with you

[email protected] says:

that's why i got so pissed.

[email protected] says:

to feel

[email protected] says:

again

i'm willing. just get over here and give me a chance.

[email protected] says:

ur fuckin nuts.

[email protected] says:

what am i supposed to do?

Cush says:

huh?

[email protected] says:

and we have only experienced the bliss, i'm scared that when that wears off and we wear on eachother, as we will as we are human, that we may not have any cement to work into that.

[email protected] says:

but that would just happen.

[email protected] says:

i guess to show

[email protected] says:

to reveal more to us.

[email protected] says:

it would work or not

Cush says:

let things happen.

Cush says:

there are many level to both of us nad i want to get to know yours.

[email protected] says:

but i'm looking for the person who stays when it's very ugly, when life isn't a honeymoon and we both admitted that it is a very hard place that we started from. it's as if we should stop there.

[email protected] says:

sorry to piss on the party, i have mentioned that i'm a tad cycnical or maybe a realist at times.

Cush says:

why? so we can just sit and thnk about it forever and wish we had just taken a step forward to see? also a great place to start from. a great story for the grand kids.

[email protected] says:

ur nuts

well i'm here. maybe you need more time to think but i'm mad about you and want you with me. i'm a good person who's lived life. i know i can be a strong man for you. up to you but the invitation is here and i want you to take it.

Cush says:

take your time. maybe we can talk more tomorrow.

...................................................................

never thought i'd put one of those babies in here.

what the fuck am i supposed to do? any suggestions?

1. extend the trip, have to deal with paying bills from here and hear it from my manager and possibly risk my apartment plus owe more money and get a less nice car. but i'd stay with him and not have to always wonder if indeed he was 'it'. and i'd have more time to write maybe a scriipt or two. at least that is what i'm telling myself. and maybe i'd teach english classes. i could only stay on another two weeks as a tight friend is pulling the plug sept. 18 and getting married.

2. go back as planned, face life. buy car. feel solid about coming, conquering and returning as planned. maybe always wish i stayed on longer, as this place is an awfully far way away and once i gear up there, it'll be hard to get away again.

thoughts?