2001-08-03 - 7:46 p.m.

ko tao

i went diving today and saw little gems called fish suspended.

neon blues.

my ear hurts so bad i can barely be.

i'm feeling incredibly sad and disconnected and i don't know why. except that i need fellowship. i need the arms of sobriety wrapped around me. i need to have a talk with myself. every night is hard.

i'm with the boy. the latest. he's a drinker, turns out. wouldn'tcha know!@ that's what i'd pick. just like home. and i feel like home with him. like i'm sinking into home.

and now what two more days with him?

we had a long amazing talk last night and he seems pretty inquisitive about relationship stuff, hellow babe, but i live across the world from you!

i'm sad.

i'm so glad i have somewhere to be utterly honest and raw. "ripe".

torn apart.

the ocean, deep down, submerged. surrounded. blanketed. breathing. my body still feels like the ocean is surrounding me. i am lost in it.

i'm lost in this big ocean.