2001-07-23 - 6:33 p.m.

hoi an, vietnam 6.33pm

comedy. pure comedy. this is the email from the frenchy i haven't had time to tell you about. ...

^

Yes, in Bali. In Thailand, I can't be free.

I am so impatient. After our separation, I tried to rejoin you during

the

night, but your guesthouse was locked.

I promise as soon as you vanished out of my sight, I missed the shining

stars in your smiling eyes.

Pierre

^

wow last night was THE closest call i've ever had. i ordered a very strong cuba libre (rum and coke, my fav) and it sat in front of me for two hours. i brought it to the cusp of my face several times. i ran the options like a hampsters wheel.

i almost drank last night. becuz i'm so far away and tomorrow will never happen. becuz i'm with people who don't know me as sober. cuz i'm still so young and feel that i should try once more to balance it. cuz i want irresponsibility before i have to settle down and have babies. cuz i wanted a dollar drink with the others. i wanted lightness and laughter and more and more and more. i wanted four strong drinks and then some. i smelled the rum, it reminded me of renee's bar, being scrapped out of the taxi, ralfing the life out of me, with trex, us on the flour, me sobbing, saying, don't you know what we are. as she's a wild am indian who is the only gal i know that can keep up with me. don't you know?

i really wanted to drink and be care free in this way. guilt free. but i was thinking whether i could pull it off or not. the guiltfree enjoyment part. what i'd feel like in the morning. during the light of the day. and into the next night as the compulsion for more overcomes me like a blanket ready to smoother.

today i got ahold of deb and sobbed. i need connection. i need support. everyday i walk this very fine line, in this very moment in fact. tonight i can indulge. GOD DAMN. and i fucking already K N O W.

i already know. i'd be killing the light inside me, maybe slower this time. i ache. it hurts, this constant begging with in me.

last night i was bargaining, what i would do when i would return... what job i'd get, cuz i knew i wouldn't follow my dream if i was drinking. i don't want to waste away years like my dad.

i'm just present.

all the time. and i want to be saturated, if only for a moment with 'the others'.

satiated.

it hurt so badly last night. i walked out into the streeet and i saw a bag of trash swirling in a puddle, a quiet night with a brillant light and i knew that was a feeliiiing of a spirit, i was listening. i found it to be beautiful. that i would risk feeling that real beauty if i drank. and then my sense of self would sink.

today, i woke up silly happy that i didn't drink. i didn't kill myself one more night. but why does this liquad own me??????

i'm in a city where it costs $3-8 to tailor make anything you want. clothes, shoes. i'm in dog shit heaven. we went to the beach, i wading in bath warm water, looked out to islands that perked out from the water. boats that peal up in strange ways. children with big brown eyes and curious smiles. hot pink fruit, white inside with many black seeds looking like bugs. vietnamese hats bouncing along every road. bright green fields on the way to the beach. everybody calm, everybody nuts, honking, walking, bargaining. resting. i'm laughing a lot. enjoying. relaxing.

delicious.

oh yeah...on our last day in hanoi, we were followed for a mile to be robbed, same person as one of the ones that was in the mob.