2001-06-20 - 3:00 p.m.

months from now you won't remember this moment. and i hope i won't either, cuz its yukky.

i just booked my ticket to travel and i just now quit my job.

and 'they' didn't take it well.

and i was shaking. cuz i hate leaving things badly. but i very badly had to leave this job. they were happy to know that i wasn't leaving for another job.

'they' all have penis's and ego's to blast with them. they act like i'm leaving them for another man.

it's one moment. one very uncomfortable moment. i'm very uncomfortable right now cuz they are now all discussing me.

now i know NOT to take jobs out of fear that others won't come, when i know inside that the job isn't for me.

i just have to remember not to add more drama about this. i handled it with grace and integrity in my rockstar gal t-shirt. i twisted and knotted my gold silly putty in my hands as i spoke to the reasons why to convince them not to be mad at me.

and i have to remember that i don't control their responces. they want to stay in the job until they find someone new.

only one slight problem. i'm leaving on the 3rd.

and i know that in the rice paddies in thailand or the warm surf of bali i certainly won't be thinking of this fucking production company, except to sigh with relief and giggle with rebellion.

the only thing that really concerns me now is booking my subletter. and..the issue of loosing people while i'm away.

my friend with 4th stage breast cancer, my grandpa. whether i go or stay i may loose them, but i won't be able to hold them, say goodbye. i don't know how to loose someone by death. i haven't yet. i'm not ready. i wonder if i should pack into my time another visit to gramps b4 i leave. he really means a lot to me. i keep seeing him wondering if it is the last.