2001-05-27 - 2:40 a.m.

Hey it�s late and I�m wide awake and that guy I�m sleeping with is in his room waiting for me.

I want to tell u about my day. I went out to get A cd. I woke up after a black out, with new jeans, five cd�s and new sunglasses. Ooops. On my walk to the consumer sucker center I saw this woman in a matted butterscotch car. She had such an expression, frozen in time for me. I saw fifty jumping hairy chrishna�s doned in salmon pink and white drappery. I wondered what they wanted with the 3rd street promenade. I felt guilty and conscious about the money I spent to feel better about myself and to fit in, while I passed people on the street that had less. I felt akward in contributing to the mess of America. It�s interesting that Henry Miller talks of this disgust for our culture, but he aknowledges his own bitter participation in it. That to be here, to some degree we all participate. If you think your free from it, ask yourself, do you eat meat, better yet, mcdonalds? Buy nikes? Gap anything? Any coffee chains in your near future? Does your car have leather seats? Your jeans made in china? Your cheese processed over a thousand times? Your coke filled with aluminum resinance? Anyway�.I�m trying to justify my spending.

But here�s the thing. �.

Is that I�m feeling weird and cranky and I certainly didn�t want to talk to sleeping boy about this cuz that won�t solve anything.

Something has changed in me. Something that has turned adult. Something where it all just becomes routine. It�s feeling hard to explain. But when I was with �x� it all felt new. I fell so hard in love. And now sex is just sex, with yet another person. And I barely remember who distinguishes themselves differently from the next. I don�t remember the stories I�ve told to someone I�m �dating�. I don�t remember or seem to care about the pieces of m;yself that I let them know. They all just seem irrellavant, ever since I discovered what it is like to be completely heartbroken and thus totally broken into adulthood. Borred, blas�, routine about getting to know someone. I hate this. I�m just angry and feeling so sad. Like I don�t want to get to know another person. Tonight he and I went to dinner and movies with two friends of his who are a couple. Once we all got comfortable and I to the point of exchanging numbers with the gal, I realized that it upset ;me. No. damn it. Damn it. I don�t want another �couples� friends. I had them with the �x�. I miss them so much. We already had our routine. Our dinners at his house with the tradically hip music and the concert ticket to the world music in the outdoor concert space with the desserts and beverages. I already grew to like this couple friends and then I got my heart broken and none of it is the same. And I realize I�m being very immature, as I realize this will happen many times. And that thought only makes me feel more down, like welcome to the great routine, punch your card in here and forget to feel. And .,��

I�m just having a lot of �feelings� tonight and I can�t sleep cuz I feel so angry about this. About the �x�s bbq�s we�d have together. About the friends and normalicy we�d have over. I�m feeling fucking plagued, like I�ll indeed never get over this. How many times do I have to bring this �x;� up with the current gyuy, so that they know why I�m removed, why I�m sad or hurt or distant. Why does he have to have so much power. It embarrasses me, like if �x� were to find out that I�m still mourning over him, he�d think I took it all tooo seriously. Wasn�t he tthere with me? In love? Madly? Is he over there mourning me too in his own walled off way?

This face of a man that just seems to keep changing is in the other room thinking I�m insane for needing to be on the net right now. It�s just ridiculous, dancing with the idea that I could care. I can�t even think of a new nickname for him, all seem to be taken by previous situations. I�ll just have to roll over �stinky� cuz it�s most current so I can�t screw that up too much. Speaking of stinky, he keeps trying to guilt trip me back into his life. Now that �s a new one. That�ll make me want to sign nuptials. Fucknut. He really makes me resentful at his trying to force me to be his girlfriend and then guilt trip me when I take care of myself and say no. he gets mad at me. It�s insane. He called from the hospital and I didn�t know what to say. He was sick. Should I date someone again cuz their in the hospital? Geez now that sounds resonable.

�

at least this new guy is good in bed. He�s delicious. And I just can�t get a number on what level of a situation he wants with me. At first I was worried that I�d fall into sometihing with him. But now I know I�m just not fuckin capable of it.