2001-05-25 - 10:18 a.m.

tip o the day: try to stay calm through uncomfortable situations, reserve reactions, take deep breaths.

and i will be doing a lot of this if i stay with this job cuz it will indeed test all my patience, all my ability to be kind to insane people, and my calmness during the worst storms.

my days go like this, i have a location scout i don't want to go on, i had a long conversstaion with a producer about the right kind of slime to use. yes slime as in gak. it's just an insane schedule and i don't know how i'll ever make it through. so i interviewed with a co. yesterday for a mello staff job. i don't know if i want it, it's out of production and into film education/and events. i don't want to be an events person. my mom was and i want a different life. what the hell do i want? how far or close am i fromm it?

so i had sex.

pow.

it was with the feller that i had known and always flirted with tthat i ran into at the party with ripe. he came over to get a bite to eat. he stayed over and we snuggled and giggled and talked. and as a reward for not trying anything and being the perfect gentleman, i laid him.

in the bright light of the morning. then i kicked him out to go surfing. which as you know i love to be that macho and do.

he was delicious i have to say. he gave me a massage and is only some class away from having his certificate. he also was a chef. yes ladies, i've found the perfect mate. he'll cook for me and massage me. that's all i really need. (i'd also like someone to clean for me). he said that he could do 'this' all day. stating that he can last really long. i've never really been with someone like this.

i've been knowing a lot of people whose parent had committed suicide. i find that interesting that people of the same coincidence have been finding me safe to tell their tales.

this boy didn't have that, he had the run of the mill asshole father who beat them. he has a twin that is a superstar in everything he does. and he has a six foot sister. i liked that he could last for a long time. i like that he makes me laugh.

now were gonna do the first date rundown (based on my theory that you know all you need to know on the first date, so i'll have this to reference later).

he's very funny and seems to be interested in more with me than sex. he seems to want to hang out and would be a nice person to 'see'. he was much goofier than i rememebered. he's witty, giving. ambitious, but he seems just a little green and i don't like that he's in the same industry, it feels too close to home for me. i don't like the place he writes for cuz it's a sell out place. but i do like that he does other writing too and seems to be ambitious. i don't like that he had a huge coke habit in college and then jsut stopped and hasn't gotten therapy or help. it seems like his demons are arrested, not healed. i don't think he'd make a great life time partner, too many shadows undealt with. he'd be a fun for now guy. but i'm wary of wanting to crawl into the cave with him cuz he was so easily persuaded to drop everything and be with me. i'm worried about how i'll abuse this.

i made the mistake of calling that day. damn i hate caller id!!!

why can't i just date casually and not attach! not have sex. not want to spend more insesstuous time together. why to i crave to toss my balanced life aside for an endless movie night? i want to maintian.

gotta go to a mtg with bossey man.

cheers.