2001-05-10 - 9:13 a.m.

tip o the day: take a moment, just now, just as you are reading this to stretch your arms and take a deep breath.

Life is better with deep breaths.

I'm so happy. I'm the happiest jelly bean in the bowl cuz now I have a super fast car WITH AC. Cuz where I work, it's already over 100 degrees during the day and I had no AC. It was either gonna cost $250 or 2g's! Turns out only to be $250 yeah yeah.

I was tearing up in the fast drive in, I hit 115 mph today, oopps! I was tearin to the song of Beth Ortons, Sugar Boy. About loving someone so much, "i told u i loved you now what more could i do" and about how there was an expectation that she would die without the love and that she lived on despite, fought and survived. And that is how I feel with 'x'. I loved him with all that I had. And that turned out not to be enough and b4 the break I thought that if we broke I would indeed die. I would indeed be pushed over the edge. And man I've surprised myself on how much I've survived. Dusted myself off and got passionate. Submitted my work to gallery's FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, RIGHT IN THE MIDST OF THE BREAKUP.

sorry i got excited.

I met someone new, and then found out how to take care of myself alone again. I am taking care of myself. It's amazing. I'm sticking up for myself and casually, fighting for what I want in life. And I've stayed sober and abstinent from bulemia through this all. It's overwhelming emotions of gratitude. And I got an email from a crzy coke addict friend who is finally trying to clean up. She just reminded me of the point. She said she tried to clean up a while ago, but just couldn't leave the party, the bars and I I I relate. but now she feels like it was such a waste of time and that she wishes she got it earlier. I'm so excited to be connected to her, cuz I see this light in her. It is buried under so many layers of darkness, but I see it and see the possibility for it to shine so brightly. My opinion is that addicts/alcoholics are typically sensitive, artistic, soemtimes brilliant people.

BUt here's the point darliingssss!!! I had submitted my work to two more galleries. The first one I called gave me a bit of a hard time and asked very fine art, art school theoretically approached questions of what I am studying behind my work. He thinks that I should be studying one thing for ten years in my work. huh? babe, I don't fly that plane. But yes there are real notions that I study in my work, but they exhist on the subliminal, subconscious level. The are woven deep in me and of course they arise to be worked out via my art. So I talked my way through it and we are going to meet, but I have a feeling that he will want me to 'develop' my focus more before he'll consider me. Which is great. I want challenge. Challenge me baby, bring my work higher. Dance with me. Plus this man is very sexy. Older man, but I'd consider a lill' rompy romp with him. Gosh I had this dream about walking away from some group of people with the man I lovedd. and that feeling of sharing some secret thing with just one person. That one you trust and love completely. He had brown hair.

So the second gallery I called blew me away. It was horrible cuz my boss was standing over me in my office while I was trying to have the conversation. ouch. But the gallery owner said he likes my work and would like to sit down and talk about the work. dskjf;oiajf3e;liaj!!!!

And once more, it seems like a REALLY GOOD FIT. The guy was great, laid back, didn't ask me who I studied with etc. Just was in it. The name of his gallery means pronto and spontaneous, which are the exact philosophies of my work!! To me, it is about the moment, being in it, spontaneous shooting. Nothing staged, nothing too thought out. IT's about insanity and spontinaety. It's about the process and exploration, not necessarily about the result. The perfect focus or lighting. It's about the rush. The intensity. And I like the images I get. On the surface they don't have deep meaning, but beneath that lies these inherent, subconscious issues that I am working out. That I want society to look at, laugh at, get so angry at.

And I tell you the butchery shots (see previous entry), are insane. Bloody, goregous. They make me want to throw up. They make me curious. They make me angry. They make me react. And I'm the only person who has seen them. I'm afraid to show anyone. I'm afraid of their reaction. I want to protect you. But that's not the point.

My boss just said I need to get someone in who blows things up. I love my job.

cheers, lukein the muthafuckinhouz