2001-04-11 - 2:49 p.m.

Tip o' the day: Do something each day that scares you. No matter how small it is. Try a new resteraunte, call that person your scared to call, appologize, send your resume out, submit your poetry.

Today is the only day we have. Sometimes I trip out on the fact that this very moment is the only one that exhists. The only one that I'm expierencing. There is the things I remember about yesterday and the things I think about tomorrow and sometimes I think of it as circular, like the Am. indians, and not linear like us whities. Circular, like at any part of the circle a moment is taking place.

I was accused the other day of being short on the phone and acting like i don't want to talk to you, your bothering me, what do you want, make it fast. To my friends. When they call at work, or during my quiet time at home. Yes I do this, no I don't want to be talking to them at that moment of my rudeness, yes I need to find a nice way to say it, or I need to screen my calls!!!! yummy, screening.

so i think that my therapist is onto something now. i'm mad at my friends when they don't do what i want them to, act the way i think they're life should proceed, date who i think they should date. not always mad, maybe just disgruntled or guilt-tripping. workin on it hunny, off my street. but why do i do this? she said its cuz of the immeshment. i don't want someone to be different than me, much like my parents have melded me into them as i've grown up. they told me what i'd like, who i was, that i was just like them, just as fucked up, i'm told 'you do this cuz you are this' they analyze me and my life, name date it and put it on a shelf. i've fought this. i've been claiming me, deshelving me, shaping me, uncovering me, saying no to their 'we-ness'.

and

now

i'm doing it to my friends!!!

That how dare they do different things,, or not be emotionally available to mesh with me, think like me, be with me when I want and how I want. That they have limitations. I think these limitations are because I'm not good enough, not enough, a bad person. Not cuz they are different and just have them. I got mad at Lizard when she was only concerned with flirti boys and not politics and important things about life. I judged, judge her. So it's this immeshment. If they aren't immeshed into me, if i can't hold them so close to my heart that they nearly can't breath, then they'll leave. they'll be different, away from me.

i guess that was my therapists point.

I've always felt like I've been seeking the ultimate friend that is a lifetime soul mate, that likes what I like, does things I like to do, is a partner in crime, handles conflict the way I'd like it handled. I'm looking for a clone, only nicer. gosh and i remember the very first time i thought i had it: trista, we played constantly together. i;ve since heard that i used to do her homework and kind of be controlling maybe, cuz i needed her. she accepted me. we were one. then one day she was just gone. out sick i thought. but she never came back.. her mom took her to another school cuz our moms had a fight.

i was walking to work from lunch with the crzy artist i had my opening with. i think i crushed his litttle feelings for me by talking about setting him up with a friend on mine.

anyway i was thinking on this immeshment issue with my mom. she has needed little clones of herself to somehow justify her own exhistance, to make her way okay.

she has always had this string of younger women around her that she calls her girls. they are women that worked for her that she mentors. and funny, they look like her, act like her. i saw this scarey scarey ass pix of her with one, they had the same hair cut, were both stuck somehow in their lives, justifying eachother. the same.

exact same, except in age.

in fact, and lets not pretend thAT this didn't hurt my feelings.. when i went home to surprise my mom for her 50th b-day, at her party she grabbed me to take a picture of her with all of her 'girls". and who am i? not your girl? not your one and only ONLY GIRL? or just your daughter. i think she's done this cuz i've tried to sever the ambilical cord of likeness, clonation. off away. bi bi.

i was taking a picture of her with 10 of her closest girls as she shouted out embarrassing and loud things.

When i arrived on the trip to surprise her i snuck into her bedroom at 1am. (now she's been telling me for months on how much she misses me etc). and what are her first words to me?

OH YOU BITCH.

not in a mean way. in a confused i'm being funny way. but my sensitive heart can't take words like bitch. or freek.

bitch and freek. please remember world not to call me these names. cunt? okay, fucker? sure. asshole? i can be that.

bitch, freek?

NO NO NO.

i hate when she says that in jest. and again on the trip she said it when she said 'maybe you don't want to feel like a bitch' when she analyzed my life once again about how i can move on with stinky so quickly after the 'x'. nice mom. nice tender mom.

german cold bitch.

ha that felt good.

she doesn't know how to hug. i've never REALLY been hugged by her. Quick pats and then a push away. My dad does know how to hug. The only one time I remember really huggin her was once when I had a migrain and was screaming in bed, tossing uncontrollably in my bed, side to side. erratically. she held me then for some reason and i've held onto that my whole life. that one embrace. she also let me be on her lap as i fell dreamily asleep to the rhythmic sound of the adults talking around the table while they passed the special smokes on the roach clip with the feather dangling from it.

I want to not only hug my kids. . but to spend hours just holding them, playing w/ their hair gently, running my finger along their faces, and hands. embracing them like they are the thing i love most in the world and like it may be the last time i get to hold them. like they will never have to question my love. no matter how much i will fuck up, at least they won't ever have to question that.

i'm going on and on and it's 4 and i haven't gotten a lick of work done!! and i have a lot lot lot to get done b4 i'm outta this job by friday!!!! i love the pressure. maybe i'll actually get stuff done tomorrow!

cheers, l

now go give the one you love a big damn bear hug for no god damn reason!!