2001-04-05 - 3:48 p.m.

tip o' the day: some times silence is your most powerful answer.

i'm drinking a red bull against my better judgement and feverishly drinking in the net as i've been deprived of it at work for all nincumpoop week.

and you must all be wondering... how'd the bunny go?

UP IN FLAMES.

right b4 we were about to go out of the mission ripe asks if her roommate can come. he's a guy. i thought oh great now some boy is gonna come in and get all bossy the way they do and tell me where to put the bunny, how to light it etc. and ruin my fun. he is a dominoes delivery guy. never did i think i would some day be burning a stuffed bunny with a dominoes man. it's like some wild dream. there is a great quote: 'was i a man dreaming i was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming i was a man?' so i made her promise that dominoes wouldn't hanker my fun and we and one extra real quite grrl roomy went off with our bunny and buckets of water. it was great. i shot a 100 pix. i can't wait to see how they turn out. the bunny burnt down really well and we did it on the beach at night where others were having bon fires, it took the arrested fun out of it, but it was nice to have the liberty to take me time w/ the photo's. it was quite a site as the fuzzi korean made inards of the bunny burnt black around the pink hard plastic nose.

afterwards ripe and i got chinese.

i don't remember much about today. but i had a mtg for not drinking at disney and that campus always reminds me of elementary school. most people are dressed like teachers with sweaters that have sequences and bells on them. there is a large cafeteria that has lunch themes and specials just like school. i spoke with a woman after, she wants to start her own company and i told her i might want to join her and we will have a mtg next week. she's very even. buddhist, but actually living like that as well. she is getting a severance that fills me with jealousy. weeks and weeks off. and only if i worked there for two weeks and got this same severance. anyway. i'm feeling the need to make lists and to make lists about what i want in life and what i want in my next job.

breath

breath

i'm starting to feel like i need to save for retirement.

i'm 25 thinking i'm 35.

breath.

i get really listy and do do doiy when i don't want to feel feel feely. lots to not feel about.

i'm still not talking to my friend lizard and it's really hurting and bothering me and i'm thinkiing why hasn't she called and i'm thinking my lesson is that i should get over it and get past my ego and learn to forgive her and let her be who she is which is not who i want her to be. i should. but am not. i am not calling, haven't forgiven her and am waiting for her to fail me and not show up to the art opening so that i can but the lights out on the friendship. and ;i know i'm acting like a pour me victim but i'm not ready to learn this lesson yet. or at least not ready to take action on it. i think i'm causing caos so that i won't let m;yself enjoy my own art opening. sabotage. red bull makes my mind think in circles, like a speedracer. andredi.

i have therapy tonight and i will talk about lizard and saying good boundaries when my dad is in town with me and he will inevitably say something offensive or uncomfortable with me. what makes me uncomfortable is that he makes inferences about sex to me and i'm embarrassed to say that. it really bothers me cuz i don't want to talk to this ;man about anything ANYTHING SEXUAL. and when i tell him its a boundary, he throws the fact that i told him how i was dating a woman and that i told him too much or something, there for he has the complete right to abuse all my boundaries and talk as he likes.

yaya

i didn't tell him how i slept with her or grabed that nape of her neck like a man and kissed her more passionately than ever or how her hair felt in my hands or how her unusually small shoulders felt to a woman how was used to a mans thickness or even that i slept with her, just that i dated a woman. was dating. he flipped. that was interesting. i thought my parents would be okay with it.

when i told him my 'x' was calling to hang out, he was about to say he just wanted to have sex and i would go back and blbalbalb and i changed the subject. i stampeeded over his words. but now if he does it again, i will say, let's not talk about that, it's not comfortable for me. or if he tries to relive his single years for me and tell me how his lady caught him in bed with another, i will say, i'd prefer not to talk about your sex life. in which he will throw the my sleeping w/ woman thing in my face and i will say, did that mak ...

anyway, i'm going on and on and ur getting bored.

i just don't want to get off line. here are some lists for you:

a few things to do b4 i die:

scuba dive naked and live on an almost deserted island for a few weeks with my partner before we have kids.

kiss a woman, asian, sorority or one that looks a lot like me, but with darker hair.

fall in love again and when it happens again, i hope that we fall into trusting eachother for life and never feel urgency or at least never act on the urgency to run away.

make limaide.

cheers, l