2005-09-15 - 8:29 a.m.

vla. clarity. you've all got to stoppp with this talk of not updating. clarity, i'll let you know if i'm jan i'm ready to let go. you may just have to keep going locked. vla, wtf, dying to know whats going on with you. get on it now.

the check my dad sent wasn't enough. not even enough for one of the bills i just opened. oh joy!

and ps. clarity, that fool that wrote whatever about unamerican? puleezz, they are so auto-reteric fed. it's unamerican to quash free speach of any form, to discourage and say it's unpatriotic. my ass, those founding "fathers" and mothers, fought for nothing more than free speach.

fucking republicans. kiss my ass.

i refuse to hire one. i'm trying to figure out how to find out if they are without asking, cuz i think that's illegal. any ideas?

i haven't heard from lizard and i go to therapy this morning. we have the same therapist. and i always feel like when conflict hits, that i'll walk in therapy and she'll say, "i'm sorry, i can't see you anymore." like i've crossed some line with her number one client and now there's a conflict. suchs. i've always carried this feeling of being the bad girl. the rejectable. as well alll know about me and my adorable little package of issues. let's pack 'em and burn 'em!

so here's a story that blew me away.

my black cat, the very social one that acts like a puppy greeting everyone at the door, had been hiding in the bedroom for days. standing in a lowered, i'm-simply-terrified state. i started to worry if he was sick. it was night time and i started to really feel uncomfortable. wondering, has there been some guy breaking in by day and torturing my cat? the old apartment mngr used to come in without approval. actually, so does this one. "to fix things". it's night, i'm worrying, doing the closet check, laying in bed thinking, i hate this, if i died, i'd be alone. human's aren't meant to be alone. i forgot to take the time to hussle up a mate. he glances over at the empty space as if somethings there.

is it a ghost? did he see something move?

freeeking.

i take the cat in my arms and walk him into the fated room to see if he'll clue me off somehow, communicate to me lassy. i set him down and there it is.

the cat is holy high terrified for his dear life of the floating pale pink "i hate barbi, but ineb is rad" barbi happy bday balloon.

terrified.

of the great, killer, sneaky as fuck balloon.

i was rolling with laughter.

i had to remove said pink killer barbi balloon to the hallway. now the cat is happy as a bean. every now and then he gives a sour sideways glance to the front door.

everytime i come home and see this half deflated pink balloon dancing a sweet little dopy jig in the hallway i have a good giggle.

right now he's playing rub his head and body into me while i'm trying to type. he lucked out, i'm in black today, so i can take the full body smeers.

oooo. i'm not even going to bother getting into how frayed i feel. i'll leave you with that to look forward to. i mean really, how brand new! me talking about my state of overwhelm. detailing which stage of drowning i've submerged to. riveting! revealing!