2005-07-17 - 12:41 p.m.

well hello. i do believe, despite lizards denials otherwise, that i made a right fool of myself last night.

and that is because my friend insisted on showering me with a constant influx of my favorite drink, jack and coke. lime please.

i'm eating my favorite egg sammy right now at a cafe. soaking up the imminent ruin saturating every cell in my body.

whiskey! hump.

i'm sorta happy. i had this wierd sensation that it was time i admit i'm happy and that my life tain't dat bad. i think half the time my problem is not wanting to settle into the good of my life. afraid that if i do, that very attachment will leave due cause for "life" to systematically rob me of everything on said good good list.

i did go down to spend time with my lill girl. let's call her lill P. her nickname starts with a P. my world turns on the well being of P and LILL p's little sister lill L. my little girls. so i went and bought lill p a bunch of big plastic tubs to pack stuff in. then we went through her room and organized and jumpstarted her. she had ten bags for goodwill and seven for sell back. jezuz. krizt. then we sat together and made jewelry and shot the shit. i'm just so excited, i get it how parents can feel. but i have less baggage, so it's pure and elated. i am so excited to pack her for college and move her in. i can't wait to share this excitement with her. i suppose narcissistically all adults like to relive these carbonation feelings aajake gynothol is walking by. i'm spelling that wrong. maybe he came in here. i'll spy if that is the case.

i can't wait to see her excitement and get her settled in and send her care packages and meet her roomates.

i tore myself from the warmpth of spending time with lill p and took the earlier train back from SD to LA. trying to avoid pulling into the station at midnight and walking to a parking lot late, alone. the train ride was heaven. i got a coffee and curled up with my book. everynow and then i'd see the sand of the beach dimly lit by a bon fire and a group of people hanging out, seeming to take life in and talk all night. in the trains bathroom i stood for a long moment. stopping. listening. to the heavy drip, the rythm of the train, slowing till we stopped. we were 15 minutes from LALA and the engine fell out and we are stranded. for an hour. in the most rank area of south LA. i was scaling options to pop out and traverse the fencing, barbed wire, random city decay and catch a cab. i rallied a team. the crew consisted of skinny (this thin overly happy latin guy that was coming to LA to buy a car), chulo (this seriously straight from the street homie that lives in chulo vista, 5 min's from tj/mexico, he had all the good ideas about scaling the barbed wire.) i'm sure we were to convince the old couple from the middle of the outback, australia. i could tell they had this look on their face that screamed, "i've never been around so many non whites in my life."
finally the train churns forward and then we were two minutes from the station and the train stops for another thirty min's. it was now well after midnight. what i found impeccably interesting was that just behind veiled complaints, everyone was smiling. joking. enjoying. the cabin above us were having a good ol' slumber party. away at camp. legs kicked up, laughter, sharing lives. everyone bonding. connecting. all it takes is connection. meaning. understanding. all of us, slightly afraid of eachother only minutes earlier.

we finally pull in and disperse, walking to the garage late into the night, iwasn't a bit afraid. because now i wasn't surrounded by anyone i might believe to rape or rob me (and i was carrying thousands in silver and gold on me), i was surrounded by friends.

i flipped the coin to decide about whether i should push on and meet my ol' friend smarty for a tuna melt and more talk. he's so much fun to talk wiht. we always submerge. he has the most amazing brain of anyone i've ever met. the penny said yes.

i felt nice, out of the vision of my solitary tunnel, pummeling ahead, ahead, ahead. broken of routine just for a night.

last night my big indian friend took me to the opening members night of the basquiat exhibit. grand master flash performed all night. the patio was full of people of every shade, part of town, decked to their individual nines. black men in dapper hats with large, elegant red feathers twisting up the side. suits bleeding class and expressionisitic abandon. beautiful. hundreds of bodies samwiched under the nights sky, arms in the air like you just don't care. sky scrapers lifting above us. the city softly reminding me how much i love her.

i ran into the assitant rep aat my showroom and we hit it. now that she saw me with my hair down she's all over the map saying how we should go out and party. from what i hear she could really keep up. but i don't think i want to muddy that sterling relationship. interesting to play with someone you only think of in a business way. i will email her with an inside joke about the night so she's not self conscious. she introduced me to a costumer. and i flirted with her relentlessly until breathlessly she was dying to know what i do and wanting to take me stuff with her.

in my compromised state i saw the woman that jumbly guessed right who is the star that is a hollywood institution walk by. i went up to her and said she had some of my stuff. i don't know if i made a complete ass or not. i think i pulled the plane out of tailspin when i mentioned that we do a lot with charity and she said she'd be honored to wear it. but i think she was just being nice and wanting to go play with eveyrone else. poor thing. accosted. i committed the eighth LA sin. but i did have a reason. :*) i'm so mortified tho -- i've obsessed about it all night and into the midst of my dewy morning hungover thoughts.

anyway. i think you are caught up. this afternoon i'm doing some of the work for that project i seem to constantly deny that i have a hard deadline for. then i have to make jewelry all day for orders i have to ship mon-wed. it's going to be an intense couple of days. i'm a bit worried. i hope i can get it all done. i'm feeling submerged in ideas. too many. too much to get done. frightened.
by the way, my life feels lifted since i've stopped having boy agenda's. i don't care any more if i meet someone or squeeze the most out of a night, am okay leaving early. it's freeing, not chasing my dragons all over town. it's a whole new me. a chunkier one rather, but none the less, happier as well.