2005-04-29 - 1:48 a.m.

lawd almighty. i managed to arrive alive.

i had this terrible feeling that tonight i'd get arrested or get my purse stolen. something just twisted occuring.

i went to a horrible art opening that just tried too hard. then what ooo before that drinks with cat and we played with this one guy, she guessed instanteously what he did for a living out of the clear blue, she turns to me and i guess easily where he grew up, spot on. it was very funny in the moment.

then thai food with friend guy. and we go to this lounge, i hate to say club, place with another of his friends. she seemed to get lost in the bathroom all night searching for white gold.

we smoked pot. i haven't smoked pot in ages. i didn't do much at all. in fact i feel silly clear, thinking of business "to-do's" for tomorrow. i've always felt as if i've had a very high constitution for psyc's. hardly effects me.

so there he went, my other 'friend' on his date tonight. i didn't take it to town. just walked with it.

talked at therapy, how its only in the midst of the intensity that this becomes so important, intense because of the unattainability. it became a bit more revealed to me.

on the way home these two guys were being silly next to me in this goregous vintage mobile.. so i roll down my window and ask if they r trying to race. to which we race. to which i won. then it turns out i know the driver. an acquaintance. nice guys. extremely quality. and get this left turn, they were at some shoot or something tonight, it was a boxing ring show, and who was boxing? models. only in LA.

boxing models. there is something to that, clearly.

go ahead girls beat the shit out of each other. rad.

so tomorrow that friend is supposed to call to hang this weekend and i'm feeling very evasive and also feeling like he isn't going to call. i feel it distinctly. and i feel liek running away to the desert with friends for the coachella shows. just having the entire weekend to tear it up a bit and mix in.

i'm so torn. i feel like having a muscle relaxer, which i haven't had since that time wiht the friend, but i need to be responsible tomorrow. i have to get back to the buyer right away and then make oodles of calls and then meet across town with my step sister in town. and then work work work. aaaahhh!

i had two whole hours to revel in my joy...until i get a call tonight from a lawyer.

a lawyer. never a good sign.

a lawyer from that drama last year that seemed to fall off the map. that suit about the supoena about the 'supposed' illegal music downloads. now they want $4,000. i'm supposed to talk to the lawyer again tomorrow morning. he's insisting i call first thing. fuck the fuck off. i need to get my ducks together and see how i'm going to react to this. arg. right when i have one leg up the other falls down! it just shows me that i need to work harder at growing my business to afford these ridiculousnesses. but come on, who has to ever had a lawsuit from a few supposed songs online? come on!

i feel so much pressure to perform tomorrow. and ya know what, i haven't heard back from the japanese buyer, that's terrible, cuz they have my samples and were so excited. wtf?

i'm torn between feeling excited to step up the business and then wanting to feel that old sense of having no responsiblity. if i wanted to blow off the next day at a whim, i always could. i suppose i "could," but the consequences feel so high, the stakes. i care too much. but i just want to sink away for a moment without.

so life. life just seems to keep rumbling by. like a river.