2004-11-01 - 2:22 a.m.

i leave in a short couple of hours for miami and i *do* have to say, i'm a bit nervous.

not just about the neighborhood i'll be
working in or the fact that i have to share a room with someone with a massive crush on me, or the post election unknown or getting stuck there, or possible violence...
what i'm worried about is the flight.

it hasn't been in the news but we are on the highest alert our nation has seen. i don't know why they aren't talking about it. it's like our nation prefers to live in happy oblivion. which is fine, unnecesary fear is wasted energy. but it's the first flight of the morning, cross country on am air. i'm just concerned.

i just don't know how i'll quell the five hours of anxiety on the flight. i hope we are up front. i'm going to request it. if there is anyone i trust to take down a hateful muther fucker, it would be me. i don't trust the masses and their self preserving nature and their idea of not speaking or acting out. i hope it is safe.

i hope that i'm just being dramatic. i hope i'm just being silly.

i have so much still to do, i have so much to look forward to.

i've done an amazingly fufilling amount already and i've seen and experienced a lot, but i'd like to fall in love again. with my partner. i'd like to experience the act of learning how to stay. i'd like to see my career babies launch and the gratification of the process. of creating soemthing i love so much. and at some point, possibly i'd like to hold a baby in my arms, something i've created with someone i love so deeply that i wanted to make something with them. to share in something so intimate. i'd like to get to know my dad better and spend some quality time. i'd like to walk down the ailse at my brothers wedding and throw him the most amazing party of his god damn life. i'd like to create that piece i start on manao. i'd like to camp again among the trees and the stars. i'd like to go diving with my dad. i'd like to make a romantic dinner for someone i'm falling in love with. i'd like to laugh with lizard so hard i pee my pants. i'd like to teepee houses and go on one of our missions. i'd like to deeply forgive my foes and trulylet go of them. i'd like one more perfect warm water surfing day. i'd like a few days off to just read, chill and meditate.

all in all, i'm not ready to let go of what i have here. so let's all just hope for the best eh?

i'll let you know as soon as i can. :*)
much love.
the war begins with the battle within.

start with you.