2004-10-29 - 11:32 p.m.

amazing. i didn't go out chasing the dragon tonight. lizard and i just ran around trying for a costume and i accidently spent a bill on some killer knee high vintage white boots. then i accidentally injested my signature tuna melt with vinegar and possibly even some ice cream. lizard and i have begun a new thing called run and laugh. we just start running and it ignites mad laughter. can't explain. but it's fun.

m calls tonight and wants to know what i'm up to. i've basically blown him off tonight. he's gotta work harder than that. call night of wondering what i'm up to. besides i really am feeling over the entire experience of it. i've figured him out, he's insecure. he drops too many bombs, and really a lion never needs to roar. it's just not very attractive his communication style. nothing ever catches heat or speed and he's always trying to prove something, sort of social dropped.

did i mention i might die next week?

i'm going to the most crime ridden area of south florida to volunteer with some ministers to drive people to the polls. and then there's been talk of rioting if anything goes down. and there's talk that this is the epicenter and that it is the spot that always riots. h is paying for the three day tour. there are seven people i know from my town going as well. one said that he's glad 'busy' will be there (as he's a big guy) and he knows i'll be alright, but that he's going to place the others in another part of town. i don't even think H can handle what we are doing. but fuck that man, i want to be with the people and do the most good. this just might be quite an adventure. the guy who was the first to go is the default organizer and he's a complete fuckin angry lunatic. i feel right at home!! we are talking about rioting if something sick happens, that we are both willing to take it to the streets. we'll see what goes down. but i am willing. i'm not comfortable with human beings voices being erased. if there's one thing in life i can't take its invisibility of a human being.

just in case tho, i may leave lizard a clue about where i may hide some envelopes with some last wishes and the name to this diary. i know, i'm silly, i've left these notes on several occasions. in highschool when i went backcountry cross country skiing and was afraid of avalanches, when i went to nepal two months on my own, when i flew all over the u.s. days after 9.11. and now this.

i feel like since i've talked about it, nothing will happen. safety in aknowledgment.

i'm sad smarty hasn't called. i guess he's taking what i said to heart and respecting my wishes. or he's out trying to get laid. hahaha. i can't believe his ex was only 20. that sickens me for some reason. as much as i thought i did, you just don't know yourself at 20 fuckin years old. i knew who i was, but who i was, wasn't the most authentic me. i wasn't in my power.

something really does change as you crawl or are dragged closer to thirty.

i have cramps.

goodnight.

i'll be sure to check in before i leave and hopefully after so you know i'm alive.