2004-08-02 - 4:17 p.m.

maybe i am just not cut out for freelance. i love it. i love the ultimate control. i love yoga when i want. i love sleeping in. i think it would take a month of an office job to be jumping all over my life as is.

but to me right now, it's a pain. i work two-three jobs from home and my kitchen is just at my back and any moment i get restless i jump into that fun filled fridge. and i can't seem to focus well. i hate it. then i don't feel productive "enough" and i beat myself up until i'm in bed reading and eating and completely tapping out. (yet i remember feeling this way at office jobs too. i'd just eat there and tap out online to disappear.)

i wish i had "discipline." i wish i could self regulate better and stop living from impulse to destructive impulse.

i get overwhelmed easily by how much i have on my plate then i simply throw my cards to the center and fold.

and i ate too much at lunch. again the kitchen vortex sucking me into false comfort. which causes me to want to blow off yoga or any exercise today.

life is just never perfect. i was telling my cousin that by the time she's out of college i'll be 34, at the heighth of my career. she asked, is that the age that happens? which i quickly corrected, everyone's different. some go back to school. i hope to be doing what i want and living well off of it. time will tell huh? her mom who is 43 currently won't/can't/too depressed to pay the phone bill, hates her job and is in her second divorce. there is no prescription for perfection. there really isn't a life arch. theres only palpatations of progressions and regressions.

this new guy took my to a nice meal in a part of town i never go to. this guy is super posessive or jealous. which i'm not used to. he's always asking if there's guys coming over to this or that or if i have chemistry with downtown. always looking to see where my glance falls. it's insane. particularly because, yes, i probably was checking out some hot guy. he's an odd one. that night he looked at me and said let's go to vegas. and we almost did. but we lost the coin toss. thank god.

basically i already feel that it isn't right for me. he's not fully formed, what a fucking surprise. that's my thing. so i don't ever have to feel threatened, or challenged. and i don't know how long i'll float on this evolutionary glitch. i wonder when or if i'll ever get past it. at least he volley's for his manhood with me. most submitt it immediately.

i just have that vibe. in wierd ways like he's pointed out how someone lays in anothers arms that delineates submission. one is usually bent into the other, physically aquiessing. and no matter how much he tried to force it, we always ended up with me in that "masculine" position. i'm comfortable with myself and with this. but believe me, i'm sick of being in control. sick of feeling the lead. wanting a guy who is in control. who naturally takes the lead. who our energy is one of equality and balance between these two pieces. what is called yin/yang - masucline/feminine.

it's all my refusal to open up or be hurt or even meet anyone who represents that potential. and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of my eating habits. sick of the resistance to doing my business. sick of the residue of this stage of stagnation. sick of the self judgement. sick of the same old patterns i choke through.