2004-07-07 - 12:53 a.m.

July 6th.ish

I�m sick from my over dose of sugar. I had to do it. Under the guise of �girls movie night.� All an elaborate scheme for me to allow myself a pan of brownies, frosted white with embedded sprinkles. Deeeelish.

and fucking depressing.

I�m considering medication. no shit, like wellbutrin or zoloff of whatever doctor bird wants to put me on, like a steady stream of opiates for example.

I know, most of you are in a communal gasp that I�m not already employed by the pharmacological society of mood stabilizers. I�m just blinking on the edge of depressed.

No one would even know, I�m a bit cheery I suppose, even when I�m in a crap mood. Although, I�m sure lizard would disagree.

My x stripper friend got so alanon on me that she came over on her day off to clean out my albatross, she threw away 7 layers of trash and made me buy plastic organizing bins. She was very strick with me, but the minute she left I abandoned the karma cleansing project and opted for horizontal with murakami en hand. (book, not an Japanese vibrator, although I do have one of those two, pink).

All of the vestiges of my project now lay in my hallway where myself and my cat has to climb through like its an urban jungle full of memories layed down in year books, pictures of too many times fallen in love and journals filled with words that call out feelings and thoughts and emptying.

Years accumulated.

We as humans excel at accumulation. Each year our baggage gets heavier that we drag behind us. we should all take a note from the "homeless" and only "own" what we can carry. now that's a philosophy for ya.

Today was supposed to be the deadline for the project yes or no vote. Now it�s been pushed into tomorrow as early as 8a.m. my time. And as late as noon. And I�m feeling sick over it. I could barely get anything done today, spinning over the suspence. And I can�t sit through it another achin moment. As my rep pointed out, I�ve worked my ass off for this and a no would be disappointing for both of us. We�ve vested a lot. It was nice to hear that she would be emotional over it as well. I don�t want to be alone in my devastation. It�s just odd, this suspended moment. This precious moment where the option that it could go either way still exhists, and yet by the time you will have read this, I will probably know and that option will close. I will know by then and honestly my bets are that it won�t go thro, I just don�t feel like life will be that good for me. I don�t think it could be that big or that good. But it feasibly could easily go either way. I feel like it could go either way to the point that it could simply depend on the deciders mood, or the inane power struggles or politicing at the deciders company. And I hate that. I hate that the launch of this aspect of my career could be weighted on someone�s good day.

I�m sick with suspense. I can�t take it. And have any of you noticed how WELL BEHAVED I�ve been for welllll toooo long now? You haven�t read of wild conquests or 21 year olds or jaunts..because there hasn�t been any. I�ve lost my butter. It�s melted away, I have no magic right now. It�s argueably one of the longest dry spells known to ineb-kind. And I�ve accepted it. It�s settled into me and has given me a peaceful reserve.

My brother comes this weekend for an impromptu vist. A free tix I gave him and tried to pull off that it wasn�t a free tix and he found out!!!! hahahah! How ghetto am i?? Ghetto fabulous. I want to show him an incredible time. Take him around town, break it down some. Play dress up on him. just chill.

I need to �love� myself more. I need to love my space or something so I care enough about it to keep it clean and care about myself enough to wash my face and do simple acts of love. Which I don�t ever do. I fight to care. There has been times when I�m full of it and gushing over with happy abandon. But in general, I feel like it�s a consistent, constant fight to get on my good side.

I�m loosing tonight, four brownies back, I lost the fight and the best I can do is crawl into bed, maybe let myself cry, read, and hope that karma doesn�t feel these vibes and make me loose the deal tomorrow because I�m deemed not worthy or not ready to receive the great gifts of this worldy world.

Tomorrow my whole world can change, and I�m not particularly prepared for either outcome. I feel like leaving. Going up the coast and into the tree�s and disappearing into some mountain lodge to write and meditate and cry and rescind into my lonliness. And ya know what�s weird, is that I�m absolutely the most surrounded lonely person. While my friend helped with said house project, I kept getting a stream of calls, till she started grounding me from the phone and screaming leave her alone. And it�s true, there is a steady stream of stimulus, communications, connecting. And yet in the stream of it all, of those I�m terribly close to, all those I see daily, of those I run into anywhere I go, and of those I barely know, I remain a tree, an out of place tree that grows bark naked and cold in the whipping, lonely wind at my skin.

Alone with this mind of my that doesn�t stop for a second. Let�s see when does it stop; pauses during a movie, maybe during sex (although it�s been so long), when I�m lost in bliss on a walk, really into the present moment, sometimes in yoga, sometimes in meditation, sometimes when surfing (not a gaurentee, sometimes I�m hard spinning in the water about my shit skills).

I keep dreaming of traveling to very extinct, exotic places, always with some male. It�s always lush and very foreign and we are moving by boat or foot or car or plane. This morning I was traveling with a 21 year old highschool boy that I adored and he couldn�t wait to kiss me and I loved the suspence and couldn�t wait myself, but kept holding out for the travel we had to do. And there�s always this weird part of my dreams where I�m traveling up such a steep hill, usually in a car that the I;m terrified that the top will fall off backwards, and it started to, so I said we couldn�t make it up. And I thought, there has to be a way. But I hardly believed we could, and the terror was too great.

Okay. I�ll go read now. Btw. The movie laurel canyon was fantastic, a woman director, she also did high art. I also liked Donnie darko and school of rock for a lill vanilla chaser.

Cheers, huh?