2001-09-26 - 12:56 a.m.

i've had an entirely nice evening with myself. dancing around to geberto in my chrissy of three's company aqua terry loth one-piece. making a divine homemade cream tomato sauce, watching an art film. masterbated at least twice (we'll see if i can squeeze out a third).

i see the boy tomorrow night. and i've syked myself completely out. now i'm thinking that i'm completely not suitable for any relation of any sort. that i jsut don't have myself together. i'm too sick (in many senses), i don't have a job and no career and almost no ambition. i don't have anything to give but paranoia and pushing and pulling away as per usual with someone i care about. i give too much, then fight and push away vehemetly.

so this is my stellar thinking.

i remember that last relationship and how my heart still hurts. how i can't do it again. i thought i wanted to .... but i'm hurting. i don't want nicknames and ownership. i don't want to ask if he's seeing anyone else. i don't want to feel threatened and not good enough. i don't want to be challenged to be a better luke. and most of fuckin all i don't want to give, open up and hurt again. it hurt so much. and i feel like a complete looser for not knowing anything about any of this anyway!@

so there.

should i cancel the date? why keep it? so i can cough dry hairballs onto his lap all night? (remember, i'm sick as shit).

tonight i was at stunned, sitting in my auto in the grocery store parking lot, thinking of a time i sat in my car at 2am pouring jack into a large plastic cup with a splash of coke. i invited some strange man home. i was already lit on a little of everything. a tab and half of x, coke, beverages. i sleep with him. i hid in the closet and did two more lines. i don't remember everything, flashes. fucking, being wild like i was acting out what a woman might do if she had some wild one night stand. saying things to please, arouse or surprise. aggresive cuz i hated myself. then as he slept in my bed, i sat all night in my lawnchair, looking out the window at the dark tree, drinking jack until light rose on the green and i fell to sleep to push it all away.

isn't it amazing? isn't it sad that here i am so different? so changed? i care about myself now. i ask for respect of men. but there i was, sitting, having that moment. having that craving seeep into me again. the insanity. i know where it took my, but it also took me away. away from having to care. for a moment in the dark blanket i wanted to get intoxicated again, covered. masked. some times its just so tempting to want to sit alone, in my room with a bottle of jack, a bottle of red wine. enough to feel secure with the night. enough to forget that the sun will rise soon and burn guilt and sadness into my skin. five glasses deep, that feeling. that light, silly, untouchable, laughing at my own jokes aloud in an empty room feeling.

i have been a social drinker. but at the core of me, that is how it goes. that's my drinking. alone in the room, where it's safe, where i have enough to pad it all away.

i have two people that live inside of me almost daily. and as bright as it get's, is as dark as she craves.