2001-09-22 - 10:51 p.m.

mental state: like a horny kid with glasses that doesn't quite fit in.

i just came from a mtg where there were cute little boys and nothing was said or exchanged.

t-rex took me to my poetry reading. the house was so full it was spilling out into the street. i had NO idea it would be that full!

before hand, i was more excited to get up there and express than i was nervous. but i kept having flashes of me freezing and not breathing and stuttering over words as the whole room holds its breath akwardly for me, wishing for the moment to be over. i got up, dug my heels in and went for it. i remembered to breath and i looked up throughout. i looked at the fourteen year old girl in the front row for strength, as i found complete peace rested in her.

immediately afterwards i said to myself..well that was certainly nice and i'm glad i challenged myself, but i won't be doing that again. and then this woman came rushing up to me and asked if i was published and where she could here me read again. and i immediatly got choked up. i can't believe someone got it. liked it like that. that she wants more. she suggested another place i could read. others came up to. it frightened me. and the fourteen year old, okay i think she was ten, gave me a kiss on the cheak and asked if i was a model.

so it was an all around good ego night. except i haven't gotten laid.

sex is easier on the road. you just meet people, and everyone is rolling. ready to drop drawers and dance the funky horizontal tango.

at the art crawl, there was this amazing show. it was photography pieces from the 1920-50's of the lapd. the crime shots. words killers wrote on mirrors. a trail of blood and a foot demonstrating it's home. all black and whites. serial numbers listing the scene. evidence.

i saw this picture at another gallery, blue hues saturating old metallic washing machines. it reminded me how much i love pictures. my friend works at the major museum here and they have some program, she wants me to submit to.

i looked at yet another beater bullshit auto today. the search for four wheels never seems to end.

i wonder what is next. if i'm safer in denver. if blood will shed less. if at all. why i have walls. why i don't talk to my brother anymore.