2001-08-06 - 2:47 p.m.

ko pee pee, small island on the other side of thailand, west side.

wow. after such an incredible last entry. here's a very shitty one...

cush (the man i think i fell in hopeless love with) left in the morning. i went diving and then was about to board my boat away to the other side of the country. and i'd never had such a hard time with a decision,, not even as hard as in deciding to come on the fuckin trip or not.

it killed me. antagonized me, begged, pleaded, poked at me on whether to stay on this island that i loved, with this man a few more days, or whether to plug on ahead and do what i came to do...

which is???

i almost didn't get on the boat. then once on, after so much finger biting and pauses in the travel agency, i almost got off the boat several times.

PARTICULARLY AFTER SEEING THE SLEEPING CONDITIONS.

oh i didn't mention, it was a all night boat ride. it was really a slave ship with a rug you sleep fifty people on, you can't even extend your legs fully. i put my stuff down and with in minutes five more thai's threw themselves in my spot. fuck. then there was the waves. glad i don't get sea sick, but it's something else to think you are gonna have a panic attack thinking you are stuck on a boat that is rocking 5-10 feet up and down, slamming old rickety wood hard on the rocky water.. try to sleep with that motion. i just imagined myself on my surf board climbing steep waves. at one point you just decide, okay i can't control whether i die, so i might as well not worry and just sleep.

then we arrived at port in the pitch darkness at five a.m. i'm second and third guessing my trip away from the love island. i'm beating myself up. i'm terribly sad and empty. and i'm exhausted as all fucknutmuck. but my daily reading had a focus on storming weather, literally and that we enjoy and comprehend the calm, becuz we learn through the storm.

but today i arrived at this island and it's by far the most stunning place i've ever been. solid, slick rocks, carpeted in green skyrocketed into the blue air straight out of the crystal green waters. it's paradise. i'm on a small bungelo on the beach for $15. tomorrow i go diving. i purposely stayed away from the hotty i met on the boat, away from the turons. i want some quiet time, finally. i've always been afraid of it on this trip. but now i thirst for silent thoughts. reading. watching. being. and maybe a massage. of course darlings.

cush wrote me and said that he got 2 advices from two old geezers, one to let me have my trip and adventure, and one to not let me slip away, cuz he told them he had met his sunshine.

i love him you guys. or i just love life so much and he's just a reflection of the life i love so fiercely. and anyone able enough would also reflect this for me.

either way...HE'S WRONG FOR ME. and i fucking love him so much. there's something there and i have a feeling that when i marry, he'll be the one that i think of the day b4 my wedding and wonder about. what if. if he got sober, had some spiritual growth and distance, understanding about alcoholism, than maybe it could work.

i'm a bit insane. but that decision to leave the island felt like one of those fate filled ones. the kind that decides your life. holly shit theres a monsoon starting. this side of the island is great but its WET season.

sorry the word wet just regressed me 14 year old boy style. hehe.

i'm going for a walk. i'm going to swim in the ocean, it's 80 degree's in the water. why bathe?

cheers, l

ps. don't ever be frightened of SIGNING IN MY GUESTBOOK.

pss. i also like cush cuz he's the first man ever that when i said i had a small cold soar he said i don't care, grabed my neck and gave me the most passionate kiss ever. all the LA pussy's jump back five feet and squirm. i'm so sick of men in LA. i'm only going to date women in that town. the men are all debutants.