2001-08-05 - 11:45 a.m.

ko tao

my heart aches. it hurts so badly as cush- the guy - and i said goodbye this morning. and last night was incredible.

he feels like home to me, becuz he's an incredible, passionate person....and a drinker. and i cannot forget that.

he said so many things.

we both said a lot. we both thought in the first five minutes that the o9ther might be the one.

that's what passed through me when i met him.

and we got so lost in eachothers eyes.

we were scuba diving together, doing a buddy exercise, where one saves the other by sharing the others breath all the way to the surface and there i was 60 feet deep looking across into his eyes, realizing that i felt real feelings for him. that it's the first time since the 'x' i've genuinly FELT. i looked up to the light above, i got choked up and then i laughed so hard at the particulars of it all, realizing this at the bottom of the ocean.

of course.

i'm in love with him. madly. connectedly. my heart burst with him, the things he said. the way he looked at me, what he said about the way i looked at him. he said that this is one of two times i'll look at someone like this, and i won't realize it for a while. now and my honeymoon. i told him that i still can't figure out why i came on this wild trip, i don't know m;y reasoning. and he said it was to meet him. that is the purpose. sounds cheesey but i am the worlds most cycnical, and i believe that he means it.

i can't be with him. that is why i'm leaving to another island instead of following him to his. i can't. i feel way too much with him. i'm open and loose. and he's not right. all his stories of the past are wild ones. i can't battle with an alcie like m;y mom did. i don't want that fight. he's also insanely passionate, nutty intellegent, like one of those top percentages who pulls off amazing things by the age of 19. brilliant. and very very handsome. and yet i see the boy in him. it hurts right now. i'm too sensitive. i open up too much, take too many risks. allow my heart to break over and over again.

he said he'll come to la. he said that he knows i'll try to dismiss this, discount it.. he begged me not to.

last night..we had dinner. we went dancing at this amazing spot on the beach. i danced the way i like to...till i'm high.

so high i giggle, filled. absolutely filled. joyous. not at all wanting to be seperate from it. don't take me away. then i'm safe from the drink.

we snuck off to an empty restaurant on the beach facing the dancing, we had semi=hidden sex. it was incredible and freeing. he said some woman watched. i hope she enjoyed my sweet orgasm.

we sat, with the fire on the polls in mid ocean, light waves rushing in, great music and energy at my back, pulsating.

i walked by myself to the water, warmpth at my legs, soft at my feet. i got it.

i got it in the fullest way i've EVER GOTTEN IT.

it all came together. it all made sense. not logically, but inside. deep inside.

in the most satiating way. i felt completely full and whole.

it all FINALLY MADE SENSE. i've been waiting so long for it all to make sense. i've made it throuhg the hardest times sober and now it finally all made sense, 'x' breaking my heart, the nights it hurt so bad i thought i'd never ever make it through, the lost job a month later, my lost car. everything.

i've never felt so genuinly in love with life. so softly passionate, so calm. it's a serenity i'd never expereienced b4. the love, the dive, submersed in the water, the dancing, orgasm, elation, it all brought me to a calm.

i skipped on the beach, grabed at the sand jhust to feel the touch of the earth, the gratitude. looking out into her great expanse, getting the wonder of it. so full of gratitude that i had not drank. i have really made it through the darkest spaces. i can't believe i've held on. i never believed that i would.

and now i feel i know what it is to really trust in the universe. to fully surrender and let go and trust. cuz none of it made sense. and i have nothing. but i'm totally full.

i looked out and i felt total surrender, joy, calm, trust.

that's why this goodbye is ok. it's just another trusting. following intuition. i want to be with him, but i feel like i need to keep moving. get to bali, where there are mtgs. i hope i don't regrett it. but i've been taking care of myself well. so well.

what an amazing and romantic time. i'll never ever forget.

and we spoke even of marriage of the power of our feelings. i wanted him to ask, he almost did, butthen i realized that it's a first i really want to be the first and only. so much now has been taken. it's rare to feel that feeling of the first time, and when i want to hear that question, i want it to be the one. the first and hopefully the last. but selfishly i wanted to hear it and i would of said yes. then i would deal with everything later.