2001-05-11 - 11:53 p.m.

saa sa.

Ripe told me to tell u all about this guy on the beach. Not sure why, but here goes. I was walking by this man who was sweeping the boardwalk out to the ocean, then I noticed, wait, he's homeless. We got to talking, while ripe was on the cell listening in. He does it to keep from going crazy, to get exercise. He's from the Philipines and they like to live outside and since the beach is his home, he wants to keep it clean. I love it. It was cleaner than I've ever seen it. As a result, he never gets the boot by the pigs. He was such a great person. I would pay a person to clean up the beach daily. This would be a great program to collect bags of trash for food coupons or cash. Damn the place jwould be sparkling and all of our oceanic problems would be solved.

So I met some friends (all in the industry) at le poo poo in deeep deep hollywood tonight. It was a low key family owned joint that the undercover hippsters frequent (with the exception of one bold spandex laten women who found it necessary to show us all just how much swing her thing had). ohh la la. Just as I was leaving a serious baby arrived and decided to do some eyeball tenis with me.

But the point is that I was with a friend who has a crush on me. His face reminds me that of a rat, gathering to a point, with poinant brows and brown beadi eyes. A caveot is that (doncha love how I spell? it's called adventure spelling), he has this insane magnatism, like James Dean, but more focused. Some thing that intoxicates you and draws you in like the center of a hurricane. He is the calm in the middle. He's the place where you feel witty and taken care of.

Too bad I'm not attracted to rat faces. He asked me about the not drinking. He's perplexed by it and frankly so am I. How can I not?? I wanted to throw it all away for a moment there. Join the crowd. Sink into the chair. But I always think of tomorrow, of that feeling of shame and lonliness. Sadness. Darkness. I distinctly felt tonight that if I employed the drink, that I would desperately want several. And then several more. In fact in this moment I would like several lacey, wet drinks, with warm whiskey fighting against cool ice. I would like several. Of course, because it's been so long. How could I not? Why does it have to be so black and white with me? He was explaining to me how much control he maintains in that area. I think that is wonderful. Control. Interesting concept.

I look back to my childhood and I think of my fav toys. When I was five, the red ingine that I could drive around the house with foot peddles, the bottom of the sewing machine that I would pretend was a car, the cradle I would sit in almost till I was so big that my body was spilling out of it. I would pretend to be on a ship at sea, or at the wheel of a car. I wanted control. Escape. I wanted to drive because there were always loud voices at 3am. There were so many broken promises and open flying fists landing on tender skin. But that's never what hurts. It's the words. Words define the self inside. They shaped who I believe I am today. I am now unwinding those words wrapped around myself and I am becoming raw and naked with out them.

But here's the point. I've decided I'm approaching panty time.

"Luke, love...what is panty time?"

It's like that movie where the record store guy can't commit cuz he likes to only see the pretty new underwear, not the soiled white grammy ones. He like's to leave before the white ones bust out and things are comfortable.

Don't be discouraged, I am very much a woman who loves peoples soiled places. I have the capacity to hold peoples humaness, to love through things. To see all the parts to a person, to let them sob in my arms and see them with out their armor. But now is not the time to do this in my love affairs. I just did this with 'x'. I was the only woman he broke down to and cried. Sobbed to me about his deeps bags so tightly packed. I loved him fiercely for this gift he gave me of himself. I did this. And now I've had some time alone. It's time for panties. It's time to see dozens of pearly pink, lava red, lettuce green, stripper silver sequenced, naughty navy panties. It's time to toss through a few and experience the prettiness of people. To be casual and not cry.

To laugh and be shy. To get away with it all again.

So this is what i'm looking forward to and seeing that smart lill baby tonight got me all excited about the prospects.

ps. that bosnian woman called me right back tonight. We seemed to dance on the fence of friendship and flirtation. But I don't really want to tell you of the details she dolled out about what her dentist did to her teeth, cuz I'd rather end on the pretty panties part.

much cheers and happiness for the week-end.